Currently: A New Weekly Post

CURRENTLY

Reading: Argylle by Elly Conway

Doing: Blogging,taking meds

Watching: One Love (Bob Marley movie)

Thinking About: Going to bed early

Top Ten List: Favorite Candies

Top Ten  Favorite Candies

1) M&Ms

2) Sno-Caps

3) Cowtales

4) Zero bar

5) Candy corn

6) Milky Way

7) Three Musketeers

8) PEEPS

9) Andes Mints

10) Hershey Kisses

Hurt Feelings and Realizing the Truth

 I guess I've always known that I was never going to be the favorite person of a certain "family member," but I'm done taking all the crap and smiling as though nothing bothers me. I kept everything I was feeling to myself to try to keep the peace, but the time for that is over. Now it's time to let it all out, say what I have to say and be done with the entire situation once and for all.

This person likes to pretend to be someone they aren't, and to act like they had such a great relationship with their "family." If that were true, I would think that I would have seen this person more than 4 times in 20 years (not counting the times WE made the effort and went to THEIR house for a visit--most of which were because I was trying to encourage the "family" relationship because family was always important to me, and always will be). 

Granted, I was not a biological member of the family, but there were times when I was treated like I wasn't family at all. When this person got married, one of her bridesmaids came to get me, along with my youngest daughter and her husband, because the "family" pictures were being taken, and she "knew" this person would want us to be in them. Never happened.....my place was taken by the mother of  this person's best friend, who is referred to as "Mom." That was years ago, but it still cuts every time I see the wedding pictures.

This person's true feelings toward their "family" in Ohio really became evident in December of last year, when my husband passed away. Their first reaction was to post a video to all their followers about how their parents were together again.  REALLY? They hadn't spoken in over 20 years, but they were suddenly together again?  And you honestly didn't think how that would make me--the woman who had been with him for the last 20 years, through good times and bad--feel in that moment? The same day I lost my husband, you want to talk about him being reunited with your mother? 

Then this person got upset because I didn't include their older biological half-brother in the obituary. Mind you, he was adopted by his mother's new husband at a young age, and my husband was never part of his life after that. My husband rarely ever spoke about him and had no contact with him in the years I knew him. He once told me in so many words that he didn't consider him a son, and I took that into account when writing the obituary.

Next, they messaged me about sending out "flower invites" for the funeral. What those were was never explained to me, and I had never heard of them before, so I just ignored the message. All I could think of was "inviting" people to send flowers to the service, and it made me think it was something they wanted to do for all their social media followers, to have THEM send flowers. (If anyone actually knows what a flower invite is, please comment below and enlighten me!!)

Last but not least, they wanted to have my husband's military flag presented to them. As the surviving spouse, that was MY privilege to receive. And if he hadn't been married, this person would still not have been the recipient. It would have gone to my stepson as the oldest surviving male relative---and in time, it will STILL go to him, as I will make sure of it.

So anyway, when I told this person that I was going to keep the flag, they went out and bought a flag, brought it to the service, and gave it to the military personnel to fold and present to them when they presented mine. Talk about wanting to make something about them!!

Then, when they got back home, they made another video post for all their followers, talking about how Dad's wife "who is not my biological mom," wanted the flag for herself, even though this person thought they deserved it more. They added that I had said I would someday give it to them (which I NEVER said and will NEVER do!), but that wasn't good enough for them, which was why they got their own flag. Some of the comments from their followers were about how wrong I was to keep the flag and how it should have gone to them...obviously, those people don't have a clue about military protocol. 

When I learned that this person's son was expecting a daughter later this year, and this person was asking for name suggestions, I mentioned that since their first grandchild had this person's mother's name as one of his middle names, the little girl could have some variation of my husband's first or middle name as a middle name, such as Barrie or Rikki. Found out today that the little girl's name is going to be Tru Alani, which basically means she is named after the person in question. How nice for them, but way to ignore my husband entirely. Just proves once again which parent always was and always will be more important to this person.

So, it's time to do what my husband tried to do for years but I wouldn't let happen. It's time to wash my hands, say I've done all I can, and let them be the one to reach out to me if they want to have any sort of relationship. I'm through being family when it's convenient and the wicked witch when it's not. Goodbye and good luck!!

What I Worry About

WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT THESE DAYS

I have several things that are weighing on my heart and mind these days, most of which are centered around my health issues and their aftermath.

1) I worry that I will wind up dying alone. I love my kids, and I'm glad they have lives of their own that keep them so busy. But when I spent three days in the hospital at Easter, and none of them came to visit me, and only one of them even talked to me, I felt like the stereotypical old lady who never has anyone visit her when she's in the hospital. 

2) I worry that my kids will drift apart after I'm gone. They are nowhere near as close as they used to be, and about the only time they see each other these days is for organized family events, usually done for my benefit. I know how easy it is for siblings to not spend as much time together when their parents are gone, and I don't want that to happen to my kids and grandkids.

That's really all I can put into words today, but there are nagging little things that bother me every single day.

Gratitude Post

Things I'm  grateful for this week:

The chance to see a total eclipse of the sun

Friends

Family

Pets

Quiet time alone

My online support groups

Memories

Grocery delivery services

Books

Warmer weather

Things To Let Go Of Right Now

THINGS TO LET GO OF RIGHT NOW:

Worrying about what happened in the past.

The need to be in control of everything.

Fear of the unknown.

Unhealthy relationships.

The idea of a "perfect life."

Worrying about things I can't change.

Worrying what other people think of me.

Excuses.

My comfort zone.

Grudges.

Lazy habits.

Overscheduling myself.

Comparing myself to others.

Insecurities.

Fear of failure.

Clutter--figurative and literal.

Procrastination.

Pride

Gossip

Guilt and anger over past events

Trying to make everyone happy

Jealousy

Unrealistic expectations.

Who Am I? I'm The Girl...

 

I'M THE GIRL WHO...

dreams of her past.

loves chocolate chip cookies.

has never been able to make a meringue.

spends too much time online.

worries too much.

needs to learn to say no more often.

has never been a fan of pink.

wishes she was more organized.

is a master of procrastination.

owns more books than she'll ever be able to read, yet keeps buying more.

believes in working for what you want, no matter how long it takes.

prefers summer over winter.

loves lists.

hates to talk to anyone on the telephone other than family and a few close friends.

is a major nerd.

puts her family above everything else.

looks at the world through rose-colored glasses.

Fifty Things About Me

1) I've been writing poetry and stories since I was 10 years old.

2) I had my first poem published when I was 16 years old.

3) I've been married three times.

4) I've been divorced twice.

5) All three of my husbands are deceased.

6) I have three children and two stepchildren.

7) I have nine grandchildren.

8) I have three great-grandchildren and one on the way.

9) I have two cats, Ghost and Snow.

10) My favorite color is Carolina blue.

11) My favorite food is lasagna.

12) My favorite drink is sweet tea.

13) My favorite book is Gone With The Wind.

14) My favorite movie is Somewhere In Time.

15)  I have a bachelor's degree in elementary education.

16) I lived in Germany for three years, and my middle child was born there.

17) I enjoy writing poetry and short stories.

18)  I am working on my autobiography.

19) I have published a book of my poetry.

20) I was a guest on the Geraldo show in 1993.

21) I am a loyal friend.

22) I am sentimental.

23) I am emotional and sensitive, sometimes to extremes.

24) I am a hopeful romantic.

25) I am a giver, materially and emotionally.

26) I am amazing at remembering trivia.

27) I have a warped sense of humor.

28) I am  persistent.

29) I am forgiving (sometimes too much).

30) I am a better baker than a cook.

31) I have strong opinions and don't hesitate to share them.

32)  I am stronger than most people think I am, including myself.

33) I am trusting (again, sometimes too much).

34) I look for the best in everyone and everything.

35)  I wear my heart on my sleeve.

36)  I am a planner and a list maker.

37) I try to read at least 100 books a year.

38) I struggle with self-doubt.

39) "My" song has always been "I Made It Through The Rain," by Barry Manilow.

40) I was 25 years old before I found the courage to get my ears pierced.

41) In my teens, twenties, and thirties, I struggled with trying to gain weight and was often called anorexic. Except when I was pregnant, I never weighed more than 95 pounds until I was 40.

42) I love penguins, especially baby ones.

43) I enjoy attending the Renaissance Festival.

44) I'm a crazy, cock-eyed optimist.

45) I used to have a major phobia about crossing bridges.

46) I had eye surgery at age four, and again at eighteen, to tighten muscles and correct crossed eyes.

47) I never had a bridal shower, honeymoon, or baby shower.

48) I never learned to swim or to ride a bike.

49) Compared to others my age, I made some "unconventional" parenting choices.

50) I have always been a people pleaser.

 

My Tombstone

The topic may seem morbid, but I heard a quote the other day that I don't want to forget about, so I want to describe what I want my/our tombstone to look like one day. The kids already know that I want to be cremated and that when they take whatever ashes they want, they are to mix the remainder of mine with the remainder of Barry's and then bury us together. 

The tombstone I want will be a simple rectangle. It will say KANDER at the top. On the left-hand side, it will have Barry's name along with his birth and death dates, and on the right-hand side, my name along with my birth and death dates. In the middle will be a big heart with the phrase "Life isn't forever---LOVE IS."

That's it....short,sweet, and simple,but it says everything.

Clarifying A Few Things

Because of some comments I've gotten regarding my recent diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer, I decided it was time to give a bit of an explanation. 

Metastatic breast cancer is not a disease that can be cured. It is something that will have to be treated for the rest of my life, and there may be periods where the treatment will make me feel worse than the disease ever has. I may have to go through several different treatments--if one stops working to halt/slow disease progression, it will need to be abandoned for something new. I have no way of knowing how many times I will have to go through that process, or how long each treatment will be effective. Every person's course of treatment is unique to them.

The major thing to know is that this disease, or some type of complication from it, will most likely be my eventual cause of death.  I don't know when, and I try not to think about it very often, but it is a painful fact of the life I live now. 

If anyone has any questions, please don't hesitate to ask me. I don't mind talking about the disease, or my current treatment, or whatever else.

Checking In

You may have noticed that I haven't posted any blog posts this week. I was in the hospital Sunday, Monday and Tuesday with sepsis and a UTI. Since I got home Tuesday afternoon, I have been resting and recovering. I still feel weak, and I am having some side effects from the antibiotics I had to take. Thankfully those pills are finished now, so hopefully the side effects will disappear soon.

I've also decided that posting on a specific daily theme isn't working for me, so I'm going to still do daily posts, but the topics will be more random. I will start posting again on Monday, when I should be more rested and ready to get back into a normal routine.

Enjoy your weekend!!

Fiction Friday: Acrostic Poems

 Leaving the old life behind

Inner peace at last

Breaking the chains

Escaping the abuse

Realizing your worth

After so many years

Taking steps out of the darkness

Into a brand new world

Opening new doors

Never looking back.

-------------------------

Loneliness sets in

Overwhelming everything

Sharing memories

Souls are touched

 

Thankful Thursday

What I am thankful for today:

1) Time spent with my grandchildren.

2) Happy memories.

3) Being able to lean on God in the hard times.

4) Beautiful flowers

5) Bird songs

6) The albino squirrel in our neighborhood

7) Doctors and medicine

Whatever Wednesday

 Things I'm tired of being told.

1) He's in a better place. Maybe but I'm sure he didn't want to be there this soon.

2) Things happen for a reason. Well, give me one good reason for him to be taken away from us so quickly and unexpectedly..

3) You need to find another man, Is yours replaceable? He is not a light bulb you change.

4) You'll love again. No, no, I won't because I will always be his.

5) He would want you to be happy. Yes, he would but he would also understand why I'm not and let me feel how I feel.

6) You're so strong. That is completely false. I have no choice but to keep going. I'm an emotional mess. No, I'm not strong I'm just good at hiding behind a mask for others' comfort.

7) You've changed. Yes, I sure have, and not for the better. My life was completely and utterly turned upside down by the words "We called time of death.".

8) I don't understand why you aren't over this. That one I have an answer for though. Be thankful you don't understand. Be thankful it hasn't happened to you. Don't hold back on things until tomorrow or next week or when we can "afford" to. The future isn't promised, tomorrow isn't promised. Love as hard as you can and never go a day without telling those you love that you love them. Sounds mushy, too romantic, or your embarrassed to do it? Do it anyway. What ifs and regrets are horrible. Most of all, those little things that annoy you about someone are the little things you remember with love. Don't argue about them now. It's a small thing in the big picture

Tuesday Ten: Self-Care Activities

Today is three months since I lost Barry, which makes this topic even more important.

Self-care Activities

1) Walking

2) Listening to music

3) Reading

4) Napping

5) Spending time with family and friends

6) Prayer

7) Listening to podcasts

8) Talking to my support groups (cancer and grief groups)

9) Spending time with my cats

10) Doing something for someone else

Monday Minute

What's on tap this week:

Monday

Bible study chat group

Grief Share online group

Tuesday

Blood draw
AM Bible study

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Church

 

Last week's highlights:

Monday morning Mom got here for a short visit. We ran some errands, and then she helped me with some organizing and cleaning I was trying to finish. After school, Michael was here to do homework, and then the three of us went to Dairy Queen for dinner and dessert. Took Michael home, and then I had Bible study group check-in/chat, as well as a GriefShare group meeting. Watched some TV and went to bed.

Tuesday was an early morning, as I had to be at the hospital before 8am for a blood draw. Then I took Mom out to breakfast at Fairborn Family Diner. After a brief stop back at the house, it was time to go back to the hospital for an appointment with my oncologist and an hour wait in the pharmacy to get my cancer meds. More errands and cleaning after that, and then more time with Michael after school. Took Michael home, then went to Fairborn Goodwill and to Kroger. Talked to Amy on the phone and watched TV again.

Slept in a little on Wednesday morning. Picked Samantha up around 10, went shopping and out to lunch, then to my dental appointment. Dropped Samantha off at home, went to the base to get my Xgeva shot, and got home just before Michael got here to do homework. Took him home, made dinner, watched TV, and off to bed.

Thursday was a tough yet busy day. Mom left this morning, which made me feel sad and depressed. Jumped into getting stuff done so I didn't sit around thinking too much. Gathered all the trash and took it out, did a load of laundry, threw out all the boxes that had been sitting in the basement for too long, trimmed the tree in my front yard, filled my bird feeder, played with the cats, and binge watched some TV, all before lunch. I thought about taking a walk downtown, but it never warmed enough for that. Spent time with Michael, cooked dinner, took a shower, watched TV, and went to bed.

Friday I picked up prescriptions on base, picked up a book at the library, and stopped by the bank. Brought the trash cans back to the house, did a little cleaning up, had lunch, and took a short nap before Michael got here. We talked and watched TV, and then he headed home. I had dinner, watched more TV, and went to bed.
Saturday was another rough day. Woke up with bone pain from the Xgeva shot, which eased up for a little while after I took Allegra and Ibuprophen. Stayed on the couch most of the day, reading and watching movies. Took another dose of Ibuprophen with dinner. Did homework for my GriefShare group and my Tuesday morning Bible study group, watched another movie, listened to my "Goodbye" playlist and had a good cry, then went to bed.

Sunday morning Michael and I went to church. After a couple of burritos for lunch, I watched Pygmalion. I cleaned a bookshelf and re-arranged it, called Mom, had sloppy joes for dinner, and watched several episodes of Heartland, Season 8.

Fiction Friday: Hope Lives On, Part Two

HOPE LIVES ON (Part Two)
by Teresa Kander

Sleep came in fits and starts that night. Every little sound had her wondering if Will were outside watching her. This was no way to live, for sure.

The next day was Hope’s day off, so she didn’t have to worry about Will lurking around the diner. Mid-afternoon there was a knock on her door. Looking through the peephole, she breathed a sigh of relief and threw open the door.

Anyone seeing Hope with the man standing in her doorway would have known in an instant they were family--same dark skin, same brown eyes, same shiny black hair. Her father had arrived, ready to take care of his little girl.

Hope hugged her father, then ushered him inside the apartment, once again locking the door behind them.

“It’s so good to see you, Daddy. I just wish it was under better circumstances.”

“Don’t worry, honey,” he said. “We’ll take care of this problem in no time.”

Hope smiled at her father and took his hand, leading him toward the sofa. Sunshine was pouring through the windows, so she could almost forget the fear of the night before and begin to relax. Just having her father with her made her believe that everything was going to be fine.

He turned to her, his only child, a somber look on his face. His eyes were dark and foreboding. It was time to get down to business.

“You know what we have to do now, don’t you, Hope?” His voice was cold and stern, and she was taken aback.

“Yes, Daddy,” she answered quietly. She was once again reminded of the chasm between her father’s life and the life she longed to create for herself. If she went through with what she knew he was planning, she would be drawn into his world again, and she might never be able to break free.

Before he could continue, she spoke once more. “Daddy, I know what you have in mind for Will, but I want you to let me try something first.”

But convincing her father wasn’t going to be an easy task. He had obviously formulated his plan before leaving Ohio, and he was determined to see it through.

“I don’t want you to get hurt, Hope. My way, we know for sure he’ll never bother you again.”

Hope twirled a strand of hair around her finger, just as she’d always done as a child. No matter how old she was, her father could always make her feel like that little girl. She often wondered if that was how he kept everyone in his life toeing the line--by that strong intimidation.

“Dad…” She hesitated before going on, taking a deep breath to steady herself. “At least let me tell you what I have in mind before you dismiss it totally.”

Reluctantly, her father agreed to listen to her idea. By the time she finished laying it out for him, he had to concede that it just might work, but he still had his fears and doubts. One area where he absolutely refused to compromise, however, was when Hope insisted he go back home to Ohio. He made it very clear he was staying with her until this situation was resolved.

After another night of tossing and turning, Hope set off for a day of work and of putting her plan into action. She had convinced her father to stay at her apartment, out of sight. If Will saw him, it might arouse his suspicions and ruin everything.

As usual, the diner was buzzing with activity through the early morning hours, so Hope barely had time to think. When she took her break, she went out the back door, looking forward to the quiet as well as the fresh air. To her surprise, Will was waiting there for her, leaning his lanky body again the building. His blonde hair looked as though it hadn’t seen a comb in days, and he was wearing his usual black t-shirt.

“Good morning, gorgeous.” He behaved as if their most recent conversation hadn’t ended on such a sour note. “Did you miss me?”

“Of course I did.” She forced a brief smile, then looked contrite. “I’m sorry about the other day. I was just so surprised to see you, you know?”

“No problem, babe. I was hoping for a more enthusiastic welcome, naturally, but I’m willing to let you make it up to me.” He opened his arms, obviously expecting her to step into them.

Hesitantly, Hope moved toward him and tried not to stiffen as he pulled her into his embrace. But when he moved to kiss her, she turned her head so his lips brushed across her cheek.

“Okay, okay,” Will smiled. “I got it. You don’t want to rush right back into things. It’s been awhile, so I can understand. You want to start out slow.”

Hope smiled and agreed with him, then realized she had to get back to work. Before she went into the diner, she agreed to meet Will at his motel after her shift so they could talk.

Five o’clock came much too soon for Hope that day. As she got into her car, she made a quick call to her father, to let him know she wouldn’t be home until later. He again expressed concern for the plan she was putting into action, but she assured him she would never let her guard down.

When Will opened the door of his room and almost immediately suggested dinner at a nearby restaurant, she was glad she had taken the time to change out of her uniform before leaving the diner. Her skinny jeans and purple silk blouse seemed a much better match for the man who stood before her. His hair was combed back, and along with what looked like practically new jeans, he wore a pale blue long sleeved shirt that actually had a collar.

Will led her to a quiet table for two near the back of the restaurant. They made small talk until they ordered dinner. Then he finally got to the reason he had invited her to this meeting.

“I need your help, Hope. I know it’s crazy, me asking you for help, but you’re the only one I could turn to at this point.” He looked honestly scared, and she realized it was the first time she’d ever seen that emotion from him. “Before we got arrested, I stole some money from my supplier, and he still hasn’t forgotten that. He wants his money back, or me dead, whichever is easier. And Hope, I hate to have to be the one to tell you this...but the guy I worked for was your dad.”

She was torn between anger and revulsion. “My dad? Are you serious? Are you SURE?” She knew her father was involved in some rather unsavory ventures, but if this were true, in some ways it was because of him that she had been arrested, gone to jail, and had to give up her dreams. This was just too much to handle at one time.

Will continued to talk, giving her proof that he’d been working for her father, and that her father now wanted him dead. Hope listened, but remained in a fog during dinner. She had never expected to hear anything like this when she started to put her plan into action.

“Will, I want you to come back to my apartment with me right now. My father is there.” She paused as she saw the shock on his face. “I know it probably sounds like a setup, but I promise you that it’s not. I just think the three of us should sit down and try to work this out before something terrible happens.”

Even though Will was less than enthusiastic about her idea, she was finally able to convince him to go home with her. When they arrived, she opened the apartment door and, with Will still standing outside, called out to her father.

“Dad, can you come here, please? I need to talk to you.” Hope did her best to keep the anger and frustration out of her voice.

Her father came out of the guest room with a gun in his hand. “This is going to be even easier than I imagined,” he said to Will. “I was sure I’d have to trail Hope to find out where you were staying. But instead, here you are, threatening the two of us, forcing me to shoot you.”

Hope couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “So it’s true then? You were Will’s drug supplier all along? While you were lecturing me on my drug use, and on my arrest, you were the one behind it all? What a hypocrite!”

“There’s a difference between family and business, and he…” Her father waved his gun toward Will, “He was the one who blurred the lines between the two. And then, to add insult to injury, he tried to steal money from me.”

Hope put her hands on her hips. “And that was the real problem, wasn’t it? Not that he introduced your only child to drugs, or even that my relationship with him led to my arrest. No, what you cared about then, and what you still care about five years later, is your money.”

He ignored Hope and stood in front of Will, still brandishing the gun at him. Will firmly shoved Hope behind him, attempting to shield her from harm. The two men stood nearly toe to toe, staring each other down.

Her father sneered. “So, Will, do you have my money?”

“No, afraid I don’t,” Will told him. “But it sure helped my mom live comfortably while I was locked up.”

Her father didn’t say another word. Instead, he rapidly fired six shots into Will’s chest, then watched him fall to the floor and smiled cruelly. It was as though he had completely forgotten Hope was in the room.

But she was quick to remind him of her presence. As Will’s lifeless body hit the floor and his blood spread across the room, Hope pulled her own gun out of her purse and pointed it at her father.

“Don’t move--don’t even think about moving. Just stand there and listen. Do you think any of this was a coincidence? I found out about your drug business from the cop who arrested me, but I knew I had to bide my time. When Will got out of prison, I knew it wouldn’t take long for him to find me. And I knew the mention of his name would be enough to make you come running. Now I’ll be rid of both of you, and I’ll be able to take control of my life!”

As she finished speaking, she mimicked what her father had done to Will moments earlier, firing six bullets into his chest. His body joined Will’s on the floor, and Hope completed the scene by wiping her prints off the gun and putting it into Will’s hand. Now it would appear the two men had shot one another. No one would ever suspect a third person’s involvement...especially since the apartment had been rented in her father’s name.

Back in her car, heading into the night and toward Ohio, Hope congratulated herself. Once she got home and told her story, there would be no questioning the fact she was now the woman in charge. Daddy’s little girl had found her place in the world.

END

Thankful Thursday

Things I am thankful for today:

1) That I woke up this morning

2) That it's SPRING! (Even if it doesn't feel like it!)

3) That I had another good visit with my mother

4) That my cats are a constant source of companionship and entertainment

5) That I have good insurance coverage

Whatever Wednesday

I've got a family situation right now that is driving me more than a little crazy, and with my grief and my health issues, it's NOT what I need to be dealing with at the moment. But we don't get to choose what problems come into our lives when, do we?

This problem is not directly mine, but I've been asked for advice multiple times over multiple years, and every time I give my opinions they get ignored, or I get treated like I don't know what I'm talking about. So why ask me for help in the first place if you're just going to continue to do what you want to do? How well has that been working for you so far?

I don't know what it's going to take to open your eyes, but I'm afraid it's going to have to be something tragic, something that NONE of us will ever be able to come back from. I am SO not ready to lose another family member, especially not one who is so much younger than me, and especially not when we should be doing everything we can to make their life better.

Tuesday Ten: Things That Make Me Sad

Ten Things That Make Me Sad

1) Missing my husband

2) Feeling alone

3) Worrying about things that might never happen
4) Feeling disrespected by people who are supposed to care about me

5) When people don't listen to my thoughts/opinions

6) Gloomy days

7) Watching the news

8) Seeing someone I care about cry

9) Disappointing people I care about

10) Overthinking things

Monday Minute

What's on tap this week:
Monday

Mom is coming to town
Bible study chat group
GriefShare group online

Tuesday

Blood draw and EKG
Appointment with oncologist

Wednesday

Dentist appointment

 

Thursday

Mom heading home

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Last week's highlights

Monday morning was my regularly scheduled yearly mammogram. For the first time since I found a lump in my right breast in 2013, I went into the room not feeling scared or anxious. After all, I already have metastatic breast cancer, so what news can I get that's gonna be worse? That afternoon I found out that a beloved aunt had passed away...that makes 4 family members since the day after Christmas. 2024 needs to knock it off! Monday night was another session of GriefShare--and this week I made it through the entire session without crying, which is a major accomplishment for me!

On Tuesday I went to Bible study, where we are studying the Max Lucado book "They Walked With God." Spent the afternoon cleaning, and the evening watching movies.

Wednesday I vacuumed and dusted the entire first floor, walked to the library and back, sent St. Patrick's Day cards to Michael and Lucian, and watched movies. After dinner, went to women's Bible study at the church, where we studied the first two chapters of the book of James. Came home and watched another movie.

Thursday I slept in, then mopped the bathroom and kitchen. Took out the trash before the rain started. Watched the entire miniseries "Apples Never Fall" in the afternoon. Started a pot of black beans, which I can't wait to eat with some cornbread tomorrow. 

Fiction Friday: Hope Lives On, Part One

Fridays are going to be my day to share some of my writing, whether it be a story, a poem, or whatever. Hope you enjoy!

HOPE LIVES ON (Part One)

By Teresa Kander

Hope trudges out the back door of the diner. The long shift had her head spinning, her legs weak. After she unlocked the car, she sensed someone’s presence. She turned, blinking twice, not believing what she saw.

“Will?” She was barely able to make the words come out of her mouth. “What are you doing here? How did you find me?”

He pushed his blonde hair away from his twinkling green eyes and his mouth formed what Hope had once thought of as an impish grin. “You know what I always say--where there’s a Will, there’s a way.”

She opened the car door then turned back to face him before getting in. “I’m sorry you wasted your time. I’ve got nothing to say to you.”

Hope’s mind was racing during the drive home. What did he want? How had he found her? What was she going to do? The knot in her stomach was growing, and the tears in her eyes threatened to spill over.

She sighed, recalling her teen years in Ohio. She had dreamed of a career in the music industry, of being a pop star someday--but those dreams were broken and left behind, thanks to a disastrous relationship with Will. They fell in love, he introduced her to drugs, and her life went downhill from there. Now she was fresh out of rehab, working as a waitress and trying to put together a new life. She hadn’t seen Will since they were arrested, and she had certainly never expected to see him here in Arizona.

She had to pull herself together. She was no longer the girl she used to be. No way would she let herself be moved by one short encounter. She knew she was stronger than that.

By the time she got home, she had calmed her nerves and formulated a plan. She knew what had to be done, and just who could help her.

As soon as Hope got inside her apartment and locked the door behind her, she picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number. The instant someone picked up, she had two words to say.

”He’s here.”

“Are you alright, Hope?” The male voice the other end of the line was full of concern. “What happened?”

Hope described her brief conversation with Will, then asked “So what do I do now?”

“Just go on with your daily routine, as long as he doesn’t threaten you. I’ll be there tomorrow, and we’ll take care of the problem.”

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for:

1) God's love

2) My family

3) My friends

4) Doctors

5) Medicine

6) Bird songs

Whatever Wednesday

I NEED TO RANT

This is going to be a bunch of random thoughts this week.

I am so tired of being treated like I'm invisible or disposable, or whatever the right word is. Certain people seem to think it's okay to dump all their hurt and anger on me regarding other people in their life, and then turn around, the next day, and parrot things those people have said to them, making me into a villain in their life. I don't need to be on a constant emotional rollercoaster right now.

I have feelings too, darn it! And right now, with everything I've been going through since Christmas, my emotions are all over the place all the time on their own. I don't need more drama, more anger, etc. It all brings me more tears, till I don't think I'm going to have any more tears left to cry--and then the whole cycle starts over and I find another river of tears comes pouring out. 

I am so worried that, when I'm gone, my kids are going to drift away from each other into their own little nuclear family bubble, and not stay in touch. It feels like I'm the only reason they ever spend time together, and I don't know if there is anything I can do to help them look at their relationships differently.

I wish that people would stop saying "You're so strong."  I may LOOK strong when I am out in public, but that's just a coping mechanism. The truth of the matter is that I'm constantly on the verge of a breakdown. I cry almost every day, and I keep thinking that I might be better off if I just gave up on everything. I have to find just ONE thing every day as the reason to keep going. Life sucks right now!!

Tuesday Ten: Things That Make Me Happy

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

1. My family

2. My friends

3. My cats

4. Babies

5. Sloths

6. Hedgehogs

7. Penguins

8. Music

9. Poetry

10. Chocolate

Monday Minute

What's on tap this week: 

Monday

Mammogram in the AM

Bible study chat group

GriefShare online group

Tuesday

Bible study in the AM--current study is They Walked With God, Max Lucado

Wednesday

Bible study in the PM--currently studying the book of James

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Church and small group

Last week's highlights

Monday night was the third session of GriefShare online. I'm finding it very helpful in dealing with my grief--it's good to know that I'm not the only one feeling the way I do. I just hate that I end up blubbering every time I share something with the group.  :(

Tuesday morning I went to a new Bible study with a couple of friends. Everyone was very welcoming. Then it was off to the hospital for bloodwork and an EKG. Once I got home, I started prep for the next day's colonoscopy. 

Wednesday I had to get up at 4am to continue the prep, and I arrived at 9:45 for my endoscopy (scope of the esophagus) and colonoscopy. Once that was over, I had lunch with a friend at Frisch's. Dinner was a comfort meal of garlic bread, lasagna, and coconut cream pie.

Thursday was errand day: picked up a prescription, got a book from the library, and went to the bank (got my income tax refund!) Got two packages through Pink Ribbon Good--nontoxic cleaning supplies and a super lightweight vacuum. I also set up my first free meal deliveries through them. 

Friday was a day of more medical news. My bone density test showed some issues with my bones, so the oncologist wants me to have an Xgeva injection once a month, but before I can start that I have to have a dental exam to make sure there are no issues with my teeth. So, on March 20th, it's time to see a dentist. Used my new vacuum today and swept the entire downstairs. Friday night I watched "Wonka" while dealing with bone pain---not sure if it's a med side effect or was from the temps getting cold again.

Saturday was laundry day, and I had to unclog a drain. (So much excitement--can you stand it? LOL) I also started decluttering and reorganizing my linen closet--completed 3 of 5 shelves. Hope to finish the rest on Monday.  Had a short visit from my grandson, Michael, this afternoon, and he brought me a Taco Bell quesadilla courtesy of his mom, Samantha. 

Sunday started out with pain in my neck that made it tough to get out of bed. Then a family issue had me crying like a baby---and all this was before 8:30 am. Went to church and small group, then came home and collapsed.

Saying Goodbye

 My husband passed away on December 26, 2023. His Celebration of Life will be held on January 13, 2024. I already know I'm not going to be emotionally ready to stand up and speak, but tonight I put some thoughts down on paper and decided to share them here, where I can take as long to type them out as I need.

I want to start off with a poem I read online. If anyone knows the author, please let me know so I can add their name.

She waited

her entire life

to find somebody

she could sit with 

in silence,

feeling wanted,

appreciated,

and adored,

and when

it finally happened

she knew very well

why it was worth the wait.

Barry was definitely worth the wait. He was, other than my children and grandchildren, the best thing that ever happened to me. He was my rock, my confidante, my best friend, my everything.

For those of you who don't know, I met Barry online, in an email group. I enjoyed his sense of humor, but since he lived in Arizona and I lived in Ohio, I wasn't looking for anythingmore than friendship. Little did I know that God had very different plans for us.

Eventually, we moved on to private chats, where we spent hours getting to know each other better. One day, I asked Barry why he was spending so much time talking to me when he should be looking for someone closer to home to have a real relationship with. When he told me that he'd already found her, I actually asked him who she was and was shocked when he typed back "You, silly!"

Most people can't believe that we talked for six months, online and on the phone, before we ever exchanged photographs, but we both wanted to concentrate on things more important than looks. I will always be glad we made that choice because the first time I saw a picture of him, I discovered he was not my usual "type"--and I might have let that deter me from even talking to him early on, and I  would have missed out on SO much!

Barry was always a giver, whether it was extravagant gifts for special occasions, my weekly bouquet of flowers, or just a candy bar or soda when he went to the gas station. And when my children still lived at home, he made sure they had their favorite snacks, or a ride to a friend's house, or whatever else he could do for them--including being the mediator when my anger got the better of me over something trivial one of them had said or done.

Barry was always my biggest cheerleader. He was the main reason I finally decided to publish a book of my poetry and stop h, unfortunately, is still a work in progress, but I will keep working on it, and I will finish my book of short stories as well.

Barry was generally a quiet man, but when he had something to say, he wasn't afraid to speak out. He had very strong opinions at times, and heaven help anyone who tried to change his mind--even me! But he also shared words of wisdom with those who were willing to listen, aGnd I pray they will remember his advice and continue to follow it.

Life is going to be different for all of us without him, but he would want us to keep living it and to be happy. I know that he is happy and healthy in Heaven, and I know I will see him again one day.

Goodbye for now, Barry. I will always love you.