Currently: A New Weekly Post

CURRENTLY

Reading: Argylle by Elly Conway

Doing: Blogging,taking meds

Watching: One Love (Bob Marley movie)

Thinking About: Going to bed early

Top Ten List: Favorite Candies

Top Ten  Favorite Candies

1) M&Ms

2) Sno-Caps

3) Cowtales

4) Zero bar

5) Candy corn

6) Milky Way

7) Three Musketeers

8) PEEPS

9) Andes Mints

10) Hershey Kisses

Hurt Feelings and Realizing the Truth

 I guess I've always known that I was never going to be the favorite person of a certain "family member," but I'm done taking all the crap and smiling as though nothing bothers me. I kept everything I was feeling to myself to try to keep the peace, but the time for that is over. Now it's time to let it all out, say what I have to say and be done with the entire situation once and for all.

This person likes to pretend to be someone they aren't, and to act like they had such a great relationship with their "family." If that were true, I would think that I would have seen this person more than 4 times in 20 years (not counting the times WE made the effort and went to THEIR house for a visit--most of which were because I was trying to encourage the "family" relationship because family was always important to me, and always will be). 

Granted, I was not a biological member of the family, but there were times when I was treated like I wasn't family at all. When this person got married, one of her bridesmaids came to get me, along with my youngest daughter and her husband, because the "family" pictures were being taken, and she "knew" this person would want us to be in them. Never happened.....my place was taken by the mother of  this person's best friend, who is referred to as "Mom." That was years ago, but it still cuts every time I see the wedding pictures.

This person's true feelings toward their "family" in Ohio really became evident in December of last year, when my husband passed away. Their first reaction was to post a video to all their followers about how their parents were together again.  REALLY? They hadn't spoken in over 20 years, but they were suddenly together again?  And you honestly didn't think how that would make me--the woman who had been with him for the last 20 years, through good times and bad--feel in that moment? The same day I lost my husband, you want to talk about him being reunited with your mother? 

Then this person got upset because I didn't include their older biological half-brother in the obituary. Mind you, he was adopted by his mother's new husband at a young age, and my husband was never part of his life after that. My husband rarely ever spoke about him and had no contact with him in the years I knew him. He once told me in so many words that he didn't consider him a son, and I took that into account when writing the obituary.

Next, they messaged me about sending out "flower invites" for the funeral. What those were was never explained to me, and I had never heard of them before, so I just ignored the message. All I could think of was "inviting" people to send flowers to the service, and it made me think it was something they wanted to do for all their social media followers, to have THEM send flowers. (If anyone actually knows what a flower invite is, please comment below and enlighten me!!)

Last but not least, they wanted to have my husband's military flag presented to them. As the surviving spouse, that was MY privilege to receive. And if he hadn't been married, this person would still not have been the recipient. It would have gone to my stepson as the oldest surviving male relative---and in time, it will STILL go to him, as I will make sure of it.

So anyway, when I told this person that I was going to keep the flag, they went out and bought a flag, brought it to the service, and gave it to the military personnel to fold and present to them when they presented mine. Talk about wanting to make something about them!!

Then, when they got back home, they made another video post for all their followers, talking about how Dad's wife "who is not my biological mom," wanted the flag for herself, even though this person thought they deserved it more. They added that I had said I would someday give it to them (which I NEVER said and will NEVER do!), but that wasn't good enough for them, which was why they got their own flag. Some of the comments from their followers were about how wrong I was to keep the flag and how it should have gone to them...obviously, those people don't have a clue about military protocol. 

When I learned that this person's son was expecting a daughter later this year, and this person was asking for name suggestions, I mentioned that since their first grandchild had this person's mother's name as one of his middle names, the little girl could have some variation of my husband's first or middle name as a middle name, such as Barrie or Rikki. Found out today that the little girl's name is going to be Tru Alani, which basically means she is named after the person in question. How nice for them, but way to ignore my husband entirely. Just proves once again which parent always was and always will be more important to this person.

So, it's time to do what my husband tried to do for years but I wouldn't let happen. It's time to wash my hands, say I've done all I can, and let them be the one to reach out to me if they want to have any sort of relationship. I'm through being family when it's convenient and the wicked witch when it's not. Goodbye and good luck!!

What I Worry About

WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT THESE DAYS

I have several things that are weighing on my heart and mind these days, most of which are centered around my health issues and their aftermath.

1) I worry that I will wind up dying alone. I love my kids, and I'm glad they have lives of their own that keep them so busy. But when I spent three days in the hospital at Easter, and none of them came to visit me, and only one of them even talked to me, I felt like the stereotypical old lady who never has anyone visit her when she's in the hospital. 

2) I worry that my kids will drift apart after I'm gone. They are nowhere near as close as they used to be, and about the only time they see each other these days is for organized family events, usually done for my benefit. I know how easy it is for siblings to not spend as much time together when their parents are gone, and I don't want that to happen to my kids and grandkids.

That's really all I can put into words today, but there are nagging little things that bother me every single day.

Gratitude Post

Things I'm  grateful for this week:

The chance to see a total eclipse of the sun

Friends

Family

Pets

Quiet time alone

My online support groups

Memories

Grocery delivery services

Books

Warmer weather

Things To Let Go Of Right Now

THINGS TO LET GO OF RIGHT NOW:

Worrying about what happened in the past.

The need to be in control of everything.

Fear of the unknown.

Unhealthy relationships.

The idea of a "perfect life."

Worrying about things I can't change.

Worrying what other people think of me.

Excuses.

My comfort zone.

Grudges.

Lazy habits.

Overscheduling myself.

Comparing myself to others.

Insecurities.

Fear of failure.

Clutter--figurative and literal.

Procrastination.

Pride

Gossip

Guilt and anger over past events

Trying to make everyone happy

Jealousy

Unrealistic expectations.

Who Am I? I'm The Girl...

 

I'M THE GIRL WHO...

dreams of her past.

loves chocolate chip cookies.

has never been able to make a meringue.

spends too much time online.

worries too much.

needs to learn to say no more often.

has never been a fan of pink.

wishes she was more organized.

is a master of procrastination.

owns more books than she'll ever be able to read, yet keeps buying more.

believes in working for what you want, no matter how long it takes.

prefers summer over winter.

loves lists.

hates to talk to anyone on the telephone other than family and a few close friends.

is a major nerd.

puts her family above everything else.

looks at the world through rose-colored glasses.

Fifty Things About Me

1) I've been writing poetry and stories since I was 10 years old.

2) I had my first poem published when I was 16 years old.

3) I've been married three times.

4) I've been divorced twice.

5) All three of my husbands are deceased.

6) I have three children and two stepchildren.

7) I have nine grandchildren.

8) I have three great-grandchildren and one on the way.

9) I have two cats, Ghost and Snow.

10) My favorite color is Carolina blue.

11) My favorite food is lasagna.

12) My favorite drink is sweet tea.

13) My favorite book is Gone With The Wind.

14) My favorite movie is Somewhere In Time.

15)  I have a bachelor's degree in elementary education.

16) I lived in Germany for three years, and my middle child was born there.

17) I enjoy writing poetry and short stories.

18)  I am working on my autobiography.

19) I have published a book of my poetry.

20) I was a guest on the Geraldo show in 1993.

21) I am a loyal friend.

22) I am sentimental.

23) I am emotional and sensitive, sometimes to extremes.

24) I am a hopeful romantic.

25) I am a giver, materially and emotionally.

26) I am amazing at remembering trivia.

27) I have a warped sense of humor.

28) I am  persistent.

29) I am forgiving (sometimes too much).

30) I am a better baker than a cook.

31) I have strong opinions and don't hesitate to share them.

32)  I am stronger than most people think I am, including myself.

33) I am trusting (again, sometimes too much).

34) I look for the best in everyone and everything.

35)  I wear my heart on my sleeve.

36)  I am a planner and a list maker.

37) I try to read at least 100 books a year.

38) I struggle with self-doubt.

39) "My" song has always been "I Made It Through The Rain," by Barry Manilow.

40) I was 25 years old before I found the courage to get my ears pierced.

41) In my teens, twenties, and thirties, I struggled with trying to gain weight and was often called anorexic. Except when I was pregnant, I never weighed more than 95 pounds until I was 40.

42) I love penguins, especially baby ones.

43) I enjoy attending the Renaissance Festival.

44) I'm a crazy, cock-eyed optimist.

45) I used to have a major phobia about crossing bridges.

46) I had eye surgery at age four, and again at eighteen, to tighten muscles and correct crossed eyes.

47) I never had a bridal shower, honeymoon, or baby shower.

48) I never learned to swim or to ride a bike.

49) Compared to others my age, I made some "unconventional" parenting choices.

50) I have always been a people pleaser.

 

My Tombstone

The topic may seem morbid, but I heard a quote the other day that I don't want to forget about, so I want to describe what I want my/our tombstone to look like one day. The kids already know that I want to be cremated and that when they take whatever ashes they want, they are to mix the remainder of mine with the remainder of Barry's and then bury us together. 

The tombstone I want will be a simple rectangle. It will say KANDER at the top. On the left-hand side, it will have Barry's name along with his birth and death dates, and on the right-hand side, my name along with my birth and death dates. In the middle will be a big heart with the phrase "Life isn't forever---LOVE IS."

That's it....short,sweet, and simple,but it says everything.

Clarifying A Few Things

Because of some comments I've gotten regarding my recent diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer, I decided it was time to give a bit of an explanation. 

Metastatic breast cancer is not a disease that can be cured. It is something that will have to be treated for the rest of my life, and there may be periods where the treatment will make me feel worse than the disease ever has. I may have to go through several different treatments--if one stops working to halt/slow disease progression, it will need to be abandoned for something new. I have no way of knowing how many times I will have to go through that process, or how long each treatment will be effective. Every person's course of treatment is unique to them.

The major thing to know is that this disease, or some type of complication from it, will most likely be my eventual cause of death.  I don't know when, and I try not to think about it very often, but it is a painful fact of the life I live now. 

If anyone has any questions, please don't hesitate to ask me. I don't mind talking about the disease, or my current treatment, or whatever else.

Checking In

You may have noticed that I haven't posted any blog posts this week. I was in the hospital Sunday, Monday and Tuesday with sepsis and a UTI. Since I got home Tuesday afternoon, I have been resting and recovering. I still feel weak, and I am having some side effects from the antibiotics I had to take. Thankfully those pills are finished now, so hopefully the side effects will disappear soon.

I've also decided that posting on a specific daily theme isn't working for me, so I'm going to still do daily posts, but the topics will be more random. I will start posting again on Monday, when I should be more rested and ready to get back into a normal routine.

Enjoy your weekend!!