Whatever Wednesday

I NEED TO RANT

This is going to be a bunch of random thoughts this week.

I am so tired of being treated like I'm invisible or disposable, or whatever the right word is. Certain people seem to think it's okay to dump all their hurt and anger on me regarding other people in their life, and then turn around, the next day, and parrot things those people have said to them, making me into a villain in their life. I don't need to be on a constant emotional rollercoaster right now.

I have feelings too, darn it! And right now, with everything I've been going through since Christmas, my emotions are all over the place all the time on their own. I don't need more drama, more anger, etc. It all brings me more tears, till I don't think I'm going to have any more tears left to cry--and then the whole cycle starts over and I find another river of tears comes pouring out. 

I am so worried that, when I'm gone, my kids are going to drift away from each other into their own little nuclear family bubble, and not stay in touch. It feels like I'm the only reason they ever spend time together, and I don't know if there is anything I can do to help them look at their relationships differently.

I wish that people would stop saying "You're so strong."  I may LOOK strong when I am out in public, but that's just a coping mechanism. The truth of the matter is that I'm constantly on the verge of a breakdown. I cry almost every day, and I keep thinking that I might be better off if I just gave up on everything. I have to find just ONE thing every day as the reason to keep going. Life sucks right now!!