Tuesday, October 29, 2024
Bad Mom Confessions
Sunday, July 28, 2024
Then and Now
Thursday, July 25, 2024
Writing Again--MINDFULNESS
Every morning a new arrival.
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Sunday, July 14, 2024
CURRENTLY
Wednesday, June 5, 2024
Random Thoughts Today
It's been almost six months without him, but sometimes it still hurts like it was yesterday. They say time heals all wounds, but time seems to stand still for me since I lost him. The ache of missing him lingers, a constant companion in this journey of grief.
Wednesday, April 17, 2024
Currently: A New Weekly Post
Tuesday, April 16, 2024
Top Ten List: Favorite Candies
Top Ten Favorite Candies
1) M&Ms
2) Sno-Caps
3) Cowtales
4) Zero bar
5) Candy corn
6) Milky Way
7) Three Musketeers
8) PEEPS
9) Andes Mints
10) Hershey Kisses
Monday, April 15, 2024
Hurt Feelings and Realizing the Truth
I guess I've always known that I was never going to be the favorite person of a certain "family member," but I'm done taking all the crap and smiling as though nothing bothers me. I kept everything I was feeling to myself to try to keep the peace, but the time for that is over. Now it's time to let it all out, say what I have to say and be done with the entire situation once and for all.
This person likes to pretend to be someone they aren't, and to act like they had such a great relationship with their "family." If that were true, I would think that I would have seen this person more than 4 times in 20 years (not counting the times WE made the effort and went to THEIR house for a visit--most of which were because I was trying to encourage the "family" relationship because family was always important to me, and always will be).
Granted, I was not a biological member of the family, but there were times when I was treated like I wasn't family at all. When this person got married, one of her bridesmaids came to get me, along with my youngest daughter and her husband, because the "family" pictures were being taken, and she "knew" this person would want us to be in them. Never happened.....my place was taken by the mother of this person's best friend, who is referred to as "Mom." That was years ago, but it still cuts every time I see the wedding pictures.
This person's true feelings toward their "family" in Ohio really became evident in December of last year, when my husband passed away. Their first reaction was to post a video to all their followers about how their parents were together again. REALLY? They hadn't spoken in over 20 years, but they were suddenly together again? And you honestly didn't think how that would make me--the woman who had been with him for the last 20 years, through good times and bad--feel in that moment? The same day I lost my husband, you want to talk about him being reunited with your mother?
Then this person got upset because I didn't include their older biological half-brother in the obituary. Mind you, he was adopted by his mother's new husband at a young age, and my husband was never part of his life after that. My husband rarely ever spoke about him and had no contact with him in the years I knew him. He once told me in so many words that he didn't consider him a son, and I took that into account when writing the obituary.
Next, they messaged me about sending out "flower invites" for the funeral. What those were was never explained to me, and I had never heard of them before, so I just ignored the message. All I could think of was "inviting" people to send flowers to the service, and it made me think it was something they wanted to do for all their social media followers, to have THEM send flowers. (If anyone actually knows what a flower invite is, please comment below and enlighten me!!)
Last but not least, they wanted to have my husband's military flag presented to them. As the surviving spouse, that was MY privilege to receive. And if he hadn't been married, this person would still not have been the recipient. It would have gone to my stepson as the oldest surviving male relative---and in time, it will STILL go to him, as I will make sure of it.
So anyway, when I told this person that I was going to keep the flag, they went out and bought a flag, brought it to the service, and gave it to the military personnel to fold and present to them when they presented mine. Talk about wanting to make something about them!!
Then, when they got back home, they made another video post for all their followers, talking about how Dad's wife "who is not my biological mom," wanted the flag for herself, even though this person thought they deserved it more. They added that I had said I would someday give it to them (which I NEVER said and will NEVER do!), but that wasn't good enough for them, which was why they got their own flag. Some of the comments from their followers were about how wrong I was to keep the flag and how it should have gone to them...obviously, those people don't have a clue about military protocol.
When I learned that this person's son was expecting a daughter later this year, and this person was asking for name suggestions, I mentioned that since their first grandchild had this person's mother's name as one of his middle names, the little girl could have some variation of my husband's first or middle name as a middle name, such as Barrie or Rikki. Found out today that the little girl's name is going to be Tru Alani, which basically means she is named after the person in question. How nice for them, but way to ignore my husband entirely. Just proves once again which parent always was and always will be more important to this person.
So, it's time to do what my husband tried to do for years but I wouldn't let happen. It's time to wash my hands, say I've done all I can, and let them be the one to reach out to me if they want to have any sort of relationship. I'm through being family when it's convenient and the wicked witch when it's not. Goodbye and good luck!!
Friday, April 12, 2024
What I Worry About
Thursday, April 11, 2024
Gratitude Post
Wednesday, April 10, 2024
Things To Let Go Of Right Now
Tuesday, April 9, 2024
Who Am I? I'm The Girl...
Monday, April 8, 2024
Fifty Things About Me
Saturday, April 6, 2024
My Tombstone
Friday, April 5, 2024
Clarifying A Few Things
Checking In
Friday, March 29, 2024
Fiction Friday: Acrostic Poems
Leaving the old life behind
Inner peace at last
Breaking the chains
Escaping the abuse
Realizing your worth
After so many years
Taking steps out of the darkness
Into a brand new world
Opening new doors
Never looking back.
-------------------------
Loneliness sets in
Overwhelming everything
Sharing memories
Souls are touched
Thursday, March 28, 2024
Thankful Thursday
Wednesday, March 27, 2024
Whatever Wednesday
Things I'm tired of being told.
1) He's in a better place. Maybe but I'm sure he didn't want to be there this soon.
2) Things happen for a reason. Well, give me one good reason for him to be taken away from us so quickly and unexpectedly..
3) You need to find another man, Is yours replaceable? He is not a light bulb you change.
4) You'll love again. No, no, I won't because I will always be his.
5) He would want you to be happy. Yes, he would but he would also understand why I'm not and let me feel how I feel.
Tuesday, March 26, 2024
Tuesday Ten: Self-Care Activities
Monday, March 25, 2024
Monday Minute
AM Bible study
Saturday was another rough day. Woke up with bone pain from the Xgeva shot, which eased up for a little while after I took Allegra and Ibuprophen. Stayed on the couch most of the day, reading and watching movies. Took another dose of Ibuprophen with dinner. Did homework for my GriefShare group and my Tuesday morning Bible study group, watched another movie, listened to my "Goodbye" playlist and had a good cry, then went to bed.
Friday, March 22, 2024
Fiction Friday: Hope Lives On, Part Two
by Teresa Kander
Thursday, March 21, 2024
Thankful Thursday
Wednesday, March 20, 2024
Whatever Wednesday
Tuesday, March 19, 2024
Tuesday Ten: Things That Make Me Sad
4) Feeling disrespected by people who are supposed to care about me
Monday, March 18, 2024
Monday Minute
Monday
Bible study chat group
GriefShare group online
Appointment with oncologist
Saturday
Wednesday I vacuumed and dusted the entire first floor, walked to the library and back, sent St. Patrick's Day cards to Michael and Lucian, and watched movies. After dinner, went to women's Bible study at the church, where we studied the first two chapters of the book of James. Came home and watched another movie.
Friday, March 15, 2024
Fiction Friday: Hope Lives On, Part One
Thursday, March 14, 2024
Thankful Thursday
Wednesday, March 13, 2024
Whatever Wednesday
I am so worried that, when I'm gone, my kids are going to drift away from each other into their own little nuclear family bubble, and not stay in touch. It feels like I'm the only reason they ever spend time together, and I don't know if there is anything I can do to help them look at their relationships differently.
Tuesday, March 12, 2024
Tuesday Ten: Things That Make Me Happy
Monday, March 11, 2024
Monday Minute
What's on tap this week:
Monday
Mammogram in the AM
Bible study chat group
GriefShare online group
Tuesday
Bible study in the AM--current study is They Walked With God, Max Lucado
Wednesday
Bible study in the PM--currently studying the book of James
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
Church and small group
Last week's highlights
Monday night was the third session of GriefShare online. I'm finding it very helpful in dealing with my grief--it's good to know that I'm not the only one feeling the way I do. I just hate that I end up blubbering every time I share something with the group. :(
Tuesday morning I went to a new Bible study with a couple of friends. Everyone was very welcoming. Then it was off to the hospital for bloodwork and an EKG. Once I got home, I started prep for the next day's colonoscopy.
Wednesday I had to get up at 4am to continue the prep, and I arrived at 9:45 for my endoscopy (scope of the esophagus) and colonoscopy. Once that was over, I had lunch with a friend at Frisch's. Dinner was a comfort meal of garlic bread, lasagna, and coconut cream pie.
Thursday was errand day: picked up a prescription, got a book from the library, and went to the bank (got my income tax refund!) Got two packages through Pink Ribbon Good--nontoxic cleaning supplies and a super lightweight vacuum. I also set up my first free meal deliveries through them.
Friday was a day of more medical news. My bone density test showed some issues with my bones, so the oncologist wants me to have an Xgeva injection once a month, but before I can start that I have to have a dental exam to make sure there are no issues with my teeth. So, on March 20th, it's time to see a dentist. Used my new vacuum today and swept the entire downstairs. Friday night I watched "Wonka" while dealing with bone pain---not sure if it's a med side effect or was from the temps getting cold again.
Saturday was laundry day, and I had to unclog a drain. (So much excitement--can you stand it? LOL) I also started decluttering and reorganizing my linen closet--completed 3 of 5 shelves. Hope to finish the rest on Monday. Had a short visit from my grandson, Michael, this afternoon, and he brought me a Taco Bell quesadilla courtesy of his mom, Samantha.
Sunday started out with pain in my neck that made it tough to get out of bed. Then a family issue had me crying like a baby---and all this was before 8:30 am. Went to church and small group, then came home and collapsed.
Tuesday, January 9, 2024
Saying Goodbye
My husband passed away on December 26, 2023. His Celebration of Life will be held on January 13, 2024. I already know I'm not going to be emotionally ready to stand up and speak, but tonight I put some thoughts down on paper and decided to share them here, where I can take as long to type them out as I need.
I want to start off with a poem I read online. If anyone knows the author, please let me know so I can add their name.
She waited
her entire life
to find somebody
she could sit with
in silence,
feeling wanted,
appreciated,
and adored,
and when
it finally happened
she knew very well
why it was worth the wait.
Barry was definitely worth the wait. He was, other than my children and grandchildren, the best thing that ever happened to me. He was my rock, my confidante, my best friend, my everything.
For those of you who don't know, I met Barry online, in an email group. I enjoyed his sense of humor, but since he lived in Arizona and I lived in Ohio, I wasn't looking for anythingmore than friendship. Little did I know that God had very different plans for us.
Eventually, we moved on to private chats, where we spent hours getting to know each other better. One day, I asked Barry why he was spending so much time talking to me when he should be looking for someone closer to home to have a real relationship with. When he told me that he'd already found her, I actually asked him who she was and was shocked when he typed back "You, silly!"
Most people can't believe that we talked for six months, online and on the phone, before we ever exchanged photographs, but we both wanted to concentrate on things more important than looks. I will always be glad we made that choice because the first time I saw a picture of him, I discovered he was not my usual "type"--and I might have let that deter me from even talking to him early on, and I would have missed out on SO much!
Barry was always a giver, whether it was extravagant gifts for special occasions, my weekly bouquet of flowers, or just a candy bar or soda when he went to the gas station. And when my children still lived at home, he made sure they had their favorite snacks, or a ride to a friend's house, or whatever else he could do for them--including being the mediator when my anger got the better of me over something trivial one of them had said or done.
Barry was always my biggest cheerleader. He was the main reason I finally decided to publish a book of my poetry and stop h, unfortunately, is still a work in progress, but I will keep working on it, and I will finish my book of short stories as well.
Barry was generally a quiet man, but when he had something to say, he wasn't afraid to speak out. He had very strong opinions at times, and heaven help anyone who tried to change his mind--even me! But he also shared words of wisdom with those who were willing to listen, aGnd I pray they will remember his advice and continue to follow it.
Life is going to be different for all of us without him, but he would want us to keep living it and to be happy. I know that he is happy and healthy in Heaven, and I know I will see him again one day.
Goodbye for now, Barry. I will always love you.