It's just after midnight, and sleep is not coming, so I'm going to pour some thoughts out of my head and see if that helps me to settle down. I have been feeling miserable all week, and I don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know how many more hits I'm supposed to take and just keep coming back for more.
Monday afternoon I found out that, probably in March, the rent on this house is going to go up "substantially," which will make it unaffordable for me. After looking around, I'm discovering that there aren't many places available in my price range, and even fewer in my target area, making it possible for me to walk to as many places as possible so that I don't have to ALWAYS rely on other people to get places and do things. Right now I have two possibilities, and even though I haven't seen either of them yet, I know that neither one is going to be exactly what I want, and I will have to decide what things I'm willing to give up and then choose accordingly. At the heart of it all, I think what hurts the most is leaving the last place I shared with Barry, the place with so many memories attached to it. It feels like I just keep losing every connection to him, and every time it happens, it reminds me of how alone I really am now. When it comes right down to it, there's just me, and I can't do it all. I'm getting weaker and more tired all the time, even though I LOOK fine, and nobody is around to notice there are days I don't make it off the couch.
I'm dealing with a lot of other side effects these days as well. The cough I've had for four months now is most likely going to be around for as long as I am on this particular line of treatment, according to my oncologist, and the only thing that MIGHT work for it is something I can't take--cough medicine with codeine. On top of that, I'm dealing with blurry vision at random times. Right now we're presuming that is a side effect as well, but there's also the chance it could mean the cancer is spreading to my brain---so of course that's what I fixate on at times like this. And then today my blood work came back with a low white blood cell count again, so I have to have that redone on Monday, and I might have to put off my next round of oral chemo if it's not better.
Monday afternoon I found out that, probably in March, the rent on this house is going to go up "substantially," which will make it unaffordable for me. After looking around, I'm discovering that there aren't many places available in my price range, and even fewer in my target area, making it possible for me to walk to as many places as possible so that I don't have to ALWAYS rely on other people to get places and do things. Right now I have two possibilities, and even though I haven't seen either of them yet, I know that neither one is going to be exactly what I want, and I will have to decide what things I'm willing to give up and then choose accordingly. At the heart of it all, I think what hurts the most is leaving the last place I shared with Barry, the place with so many memories attached to it. It feels like I just keep losing every connection to him, and every time it happens, it reminds me of how alone I really am now. When it comes right down to it, there's just me, and I can't do it all. I'm getting weaker and more tired all the time, even though I LOOK fine, and nobody is around to notice there are days I don't make it off the couch.
I'm dealing with a lot of other side effects these days as well. The cough I've had for four months now is most likely going to be around for as long as I am on this particular line of treatment, according to my oncologist, and the only thing that MIGHT work for it is something I can't take--cough medicine with codeine. On top of that, I'm dealing with blurry vision at random times. Right now we're presuming that is a side effect as well, but there's also the chance it could mean the cancer is spreading to my brain---so of course that's what I fixate on at times like this. And then today my blood work came back with a low white blood cell count again, so I have to have that redone on Monday, and I might have to put off my next round of oral chemo if it's not better.
I'm just feeling really defeated this week. If this stupid disease is going to kill me, I sometimes wish it would just go ahead and get it over with now, instead of doing it bit by bit, year after year. I don't want to leave my family so soon, but I don't know how many more hits I can take. I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm angry, and it feels like the only people in my life who really understand how I feel are those in my online support groups. I just wish I felt more supported by the people who are actually HERE, but no one seems to want to deal with the fact that, even though my scans are currently saying there is no evidence of active disease, it's only a matter of time before that changes, and I am NEVER going to be cured. I live in three-month blocks of time, from scan to scan, because that's all I CAN do...the next scan could be the one that changes things all over again....and one day we're going to get to a point where there are no more lines of treatment available. I will NOT do IV chemo again, so when that becomes the only option, we're done. I have to think about quality of life vs. quantity of life, and I know that IV chemo kicked my butt in 2013, and I've got an even more depleted immune system now than I had then, so I'm not doing that to myself or my family.
I've been planning my funeral, writing my obituary, and thinking of having a "living wake" so that everyone can get together while I'm still alive and I can actually hear all the wonderful things that they would say about me after I'm gone.I'm also trying to create journals for the kids and grandkids, but that's turning out to be harder than I expected. I want to keep them positive, so I can't write to any of them when I'm feeling like this, and I have a lot more days like this than any of them realize. They don't want to hear it, so I keep it bottled up, and then it all just comes pouring out at once, like right now.
All of this word vomit doesn't seem to be accomplishing anything other than making me cry my eyes out, so I guess it's time to quit and watch some bad tv to see if THAT will put me to sleep.
I've been planning my funeral, writing my obituary, and thinking of having a "living wake" so that everyone can get together while I'm still alive and I can actually hear all the wonderful things that they would say about me after I'm gone.I'm also trying to create journals for the kids and grandkids, but that's turning out to be harder than I expected. I want to keep them positive, so I can't write to any of them when I'm feeling like this, and I have a lot more days like this than any of them realize. They don't want to hear it, so I keep it bottled up, and then it all just comes pouring out at once, like right now.
All of this word vomit doesn't seem to be accomplishing anything other than making me cry my eyes out, so I guess it's time to quit and watch some bad tv to see if THAT will put me to sleep.
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