I have so much going through my head right now that writing seems to be the only way to get rid of it. Based on conversations with my children over the last few months, I have failed as a mother, which was the one thing I honestly thought I had been doing right--maybe not in their childhoods when I had my own issues that were unresolved, but definitely in the last twenty years I felt we had talked through things and had come to a good place.
However, since I received my terminal diagnosis, it seems that childhood issues are being thrown back in my face every time I turn around. I wish I had a time machine so that I could go back and make everything sunshine and rainbows, but I can't. All we have is today, and I am doing my best to make today, and any other todays we might have together, as good as possible.
I am not choosing one child over another in any way, shape or form. If you feel that way, then maybe that is something YOU need to look at in yourself. I have never had a problem with telling any of you when I think you are wrong, when you need to apologize, or when I think you can make better choices. You all get treated the same, to the best of my ability.
Yes, I had to pick someone to put on paper as a decision-maker, and I picked the person who, at that moment, I felt was the most responsible and the most capable of making rational decisions. Not saying that they aren't emotional, because they are, but they don't tend to let their emotions get out of control and override the rational. It does not mean that person is the favorite child, and they know that in the end, I expect all of you to make decisions TOGETHER.
Right now my biggest upset is that I am seeing our family fall apart right in front of my eyes. I feel like my relationships with all three of you are nowhere near where they should be, and your relationships with each other are virtually nonexistent. What's going to happen when I'm gone? You three NEED to find a way to get along, to be there for each other. Stop picking fights, stop wanting everything to be the way you think it should be, and be more accepting of each other the way you ARE.
The next few months are going to be VERY difficult for me, and all of this arguing and ridiculousness is just making it worse. I had hoped that the holidays would be a time when we could all come together, realizing that we don't know how many more we will get to share, and that you'd all be willing to support me and carry me through what is going to be a dark time this year. But it looks like that's not going to happen---I'm almost ready to say that I'd prefer to be here alone for Thanksgiving and Christmas rather than have to deal with all the tension it seems is going to in the room if things don't change.
I pray for all of you, and your families, every day. I ask God to touch your hearts and open your eyes, to show you the right path to follow, not only for your own sakes but for the sake of your children as well. We've all seen how this affects them, and NONE of this is their fault.
I love you all, and I apologize again for being such a bad mom.
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