CURRENTLY

Reading: The Immortal Nicholas by Glenn Beck

Doing: Blogging and watching TV

Watching: Jimmy Carter's funeral

Thinking About:  Things that make me sad: whether to get a snack.

Midnight Ramblings

It's just after midnight, and sleep is not coming, so I'm going to pour some thoughts out of my head and see if that helps me to settle down. I have been feeling miserable all week, and I don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know how many more hits I'm supposed to take and just keep coming back for more.

Monday afternoon I found out that, probably in March, the rent on this house is going to go up "substantially," which will make it unaffordable for me. After looking around, I'm discovering that there aren't many places available in my price range, and even fewer in my target area, making it possible for me to walk to as many places as possible so that I don't have to ALWAYS rely on other people to get places and do things. Right now I have two possibilities, and even though I haven't seen either of them yet, I know that neither one is going to be exactly what I want, and I will have to decide what things I'm willing to give up and then choose accordingly. At the heart of it all, I think what hurts the most is leaving the last place I shared with Barry, the place with so many memories attached to it. It feels like I just keep losing every connection to him, and every time it happens, it reminds me of how alone I really am now. When it comes right down to it, there's just me, and I can't do it all. I'm getting weaker and more tired all the time, even though I LOOK fine, and nobody is around to notice there are days I don't make it off the couch. 

I'm dealing with a lot of other side effects these days as well. The cough I've had for four months now is most likely going to be around for as long as I am on this particular line of treatment, according to my oncologist, and the only thing that MIGHT work for it is something I can't take--cough medicine with codeine. On top of that, I'm dealing with blurry vision at random times. Right now we're presuming that is a side effect as well, but there's also the chance it could mean the cancer is spreading to my brain---so of course that's what I fixate on at times like this. And then today my blood work came back with a low white blood cell count again, so I have to have that redone on Monday, and I might have to put off my next round of oral chemo if it's not better. 

I'm just feeling really defeated this week. If this stupid disease is going to kill me, I sometimes wish it would just go ahead and get it over with now, instead of doing it bit by bit, year after year. I don't want to leave my family so soon, but I don't know how many more hits I can take. I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm angry, and it feels like the only people in my life who really understand how I feel are those in my online support groups. I just wish I felt more supported by the people who are actually HERE, but no one seems to want to deal with the fact that, even though my scans are currently saying there is no evidence of active disease, it's only a matter of time before that changes, and I am NEVER going to be cured. I live in three-month blocks of time, from scan to scan, because that's all I CAN do...the next scan could be the one that changes things all over again....and one day we're going to get to a point where there are no more lines of treatment available. I will NOT do IV chemo again, so when that becomes the only option, we're done. I have to think about quality of life vs. quantity of life, and I know that IV chemo kicked my butt in 2013, and I've got an even more depleted immune system now than I had then, so I'm not doing that to myself or my family. 

I've been planning my funeral, writing my obituary, and thinking of having a "living wake" so that everyone can get together while I'm still alive and I can actually hear all the wonderful things that they would say about me after I'm gone.I'm also trying to create journals for the kids and grandkids, but that's turning out to be harder than I expected.  I want to keep them positive, so I can't write to any of them when I'm feeling like this, and I have a lot more days like this than any of them realize. They don't want to hear it, so I keep it bottled up, and then it all just comes pouring out at once, like right now.

All of this word vomit doesn't seem to be accomplishing anything other than making me cry my eyes out, so I guess it's time to quit and watch some bad tv to see if THAT will put me to sleep.  

Bad Mom Confessions

 

 I have so much going through my head right now that writing seems to be the only way to get rid of it. Based on conversations with my children over the last few months, I have failed as a mother, which was the one thing I honestly thought I had been doing right--maybe not in their childhoods when I had my own issues that were unresolved, but definitely in the last twenty years I felt we had talked through things and had come to a good place.

However, since I received my terminal diagnosis, it seems that childhood issues are being thrown back in my face every time I turn around. I wish I had a time machine so that I could go back and make everything sunshine and rainbows, but I can't. All we have is today, and I am doing my best to make today, and any other todays we might have together, as good as possible. 

I am not choosing one child over another in any way, shape or form. If you feel that way, then maybe that is something YOU need to look at in yourself.  I have never had a problem with telling any of you when I think you are wrong, when you need to apologize, or when I think you can make better choices. You all get treated the same, to the best of my ability. 

Yes, I had to pick someone to put on paper as a decision-maker, and I picked the person who, at that moment, I felt was the most responsible and the most capable of making rational decisions. Not saying that they aren't emotional, because they are, but they don't tend to let their emotions get out of control and override the rational. It does not mean that person is the favorite child, and they know that in the end, I expect all of you to make decisions TOGETHER.  

Right now my biggest upset is that I am seeing our family fall apart right in front of my eyes. I feel like my relationships with all three of you are nowhere near where they should be, and your relationships with each other are virtually nonexistent. What's going to happen when I'm gone? You three NEED to find a way to get along, to be there for each other. Stop picking fights, stop wanting everything to be the way you think it should be, and be more accepting of each other the way you ARE. 

The next few months are going to be VERY difficult for me, and all of this arguing and ridiculousness is just making it worse. I had hoped that the holidays would be a time when we could all come together, realizing that we don't know how many more we will get to share, and that you'd all be willing to support me and carry me through what is going to be a dark time this year. But it looks like that's not going to happen---I'm almost ready to say that I'd prefer to be here alone for Thanksgiving and Christmas rather than have to deal with all the tension it seems is going to in the room if things don't change.

I pray for all of you, and your families, every day. I ask God to touch your hearts and open your eyes, to show you the right path to follow, not only for your own sakes but for the sake of your children as well. We've all seen how this affects them, and NONE of this is their fault.

I love you all, and I apologize again for being such a bad mom.

Then and Now

Another writing prompt from another writing class. 

THEN AND NOW

Then I was a wife. Now I am a widow. Then I was the healthy one in the house. Now, I still feel healthy, but my diagnosis says otherwise. Then I had a full, active social life. Now, most of my socializing is done online. Then, I could spend all day being active. Now, anything more than a couple of hours and I'm ready for a nap. Then, I knew that I was loved and supported. Now, I often feel completely alone. Then, I had plans for far into the future. Now I plan for next month. Then, my life revolved around my family. Now, it revolves around my appointments. Then, I thought I knew who my friends were. Now I know who my REAL friends are. Then, I felt I knew my purpose in life. Now, I feel like I'm drifting without an anchor. Then I made things into priorities that now I realize don't matter. Then I was grounded in my faith. Now  God and I are still on speaking terms, but I'm not quite finished being angry with Him yet. Then, I thought I knew what the rest of my life would look like. Now, a new adventure awaits me every day.

Writing Again--MINDFULNESS

Aside from the three writing projects I have been working on (my book of short stories, my autobiography, and my cancer memoir), I have even more writing going on. This past Monday, I joined a monthly writing class for people with metastatic breast cancer. After only one class, I'm already excited to be part of this group. I want to share a few things I wrote.

Our theme for July was mindfulness. Our first prompt was I WANT......

I want to find a purpose for the rest of my life. I don't want to spend the time I have left just being "a sick person." I want to continue to feel useful and productive. I want to leave a legacy of love for my family.

Our facilitator read the poem, "Mindful," by Mary Oliver.

Mindful 

Every day 

I see or hear 

something 

that more or less 

kills me with delight, 

that leaves me 

like a needle 

in the haystack

of light,.

 It was what I was born for - 

to look, to listen, 

to lose myself 

inside this soft world - 

to instruct myself 

over and over 

in joy, 

and acclamation. 

Nor am I talking 

about the exceptional

the fearful, the dreadful, 

the very extravagant - 

but of the ordinary,

the common, the very drab, 

the daily presentations. 

Oh, good scholar, 

I say to myself, 

how can you help 

but grow wise 

with such teachings as these - 

the untrimmable light 

of the world, 

the ocean's shine, 

the prayers that are made 

out of grass?

-Mary Oliver

Our second prompt was "Something I have learned recently"

Recently I've learned that every minute of the day doesn't have to be scheduled. Some days the best thing I can do for myself is jut to relax--read a book, take a walk, take a nap, or just sit with my thoughts. I have discovered that constantly scheduling things is a defense mechanism for me. If I am busy, I don't have to deal with my thoughts or emotions. I need to give myself time to grieve over the parts of my life that are changing, and to find a way to still be ME through all of it.

We then listened to another poem: "The Guest House," by Rumi.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi

Our final prompt for the night was to write a letter to whatever emotion has been visiting us recently.

Dear Anger,

Thank you for making me feel again. However, you are not a healthy emotion for me at this time, in this situation. Although you have shown me things that need to be addressed, I can't allow you to stick around long-term. It's time to say goodbye.

                                                                        Me

CURRENTLY

CURRENTLY

Reading:  I'd Rather Be Dead Than Deaf by E. Adrienne Wilson

Doing: Blogging 

Watching: Supernatural

Thinking About:  What to eat for a snack, things that are making me sad.

Random Thoughts Today

It's been almost six months without him, but sometimes it still hurts like it was yesterday. They say time heals all wounds, but time seems to stand still for me since I lost him. The ache of missing him lingers, a constant companion in this journey of grief.

I am often surrounded by people, in the bustling chaos of everyday life. Family and friends do their best to comfort me, to fill the emptiness of a life without him. Yet, there comes a time when everyone goes their own way, and I am faced with the solitude and isolation of the house that used to be a home. And sometimes, even when I'm surrounded by people, I remember what it was like when he was there, too, and it feels like a huge part of me is missing.

People try to understand, but how can they grasp the depth of my loss when their lives continue as normal? Their words of sympathy, while kind, often fall short. They don't understand the depth of my loss, and I would never wish it on any of them.

,

Reminders of him are everywhere, every day. Places we went together,our daily routine, songs we loved, television shows and movies that were mutual favorites--they all remind me of the life that used to be. I've tried creating new routines, going to new places, watching new things--but then I wish he were here for me to tell him about those things.

I miss his presence, his voice, his touch. I miss the way he could understand me better than anyone--sometimes even more than I understood myself, the way he made me feel whole, the way he encouraged me and built me up. The loneliness is profound, a constant undercurrent to every moment of my day.

People tell me to move on, to find new reasons to smile. They don’t understand that moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. How can I forget someone who was such an integral part of my existence? My love for him doesn’t diminish with his absence; it grows stronger, intertwined with my grief.

So, here I am, alone in a crowd, missing him with every fiber of my being. I hold on to the memories, even though they bring tears. I hold on to the hope that, in some way, he is still with me, watching over me. And I remind myself that it's okay to feel this way, to miss him fiercely, to be alone in my grief.

Grieving is not a journey with a clear end. It's a path I must walk, one day at a time. And though I may be alone in a crowd, I carry him with me, in my heart, forever.

Currently: A New Weekly Post

CURRENTLY

Reading: Argylle by Elly Conway

Doing: Blogging,taking meds

Watching: One Love (Bob Marley movie)

Thinking About: Going to bed early

Top Ten List: Favorite Candies

Top Ten  Favorite Candies

1) M&Ms

2) Sno-Caps

3) Cowtales

4) Zero bar

5) Candy corn

6) Milky Way

7) Three Musketeers

8) PEEPS

9) Andes Mints

10) Hershey Kisses

Hurt Feelings and Realizing the Truth

 I guess I've always known that I was never going to be the favorite person of a certain "family member," but I'm done taking all the crap and smiling as though nothing bothers me. I kept everything I was feeling to myself to try to keep the peace, but the time for that is over. Now it's time to let it all out, say what I have to say and be done with the entire situation once and for all.

This person likes to pretend to be someone they aren't, and to act like they had such a great relationship with their "family." If that were true, I would think that I would have seen this person more than 4 times in 20 years (not counting the times WE made the effort and went to THEIR house for a visit--most of which were because I was trying to encourage the "family" relationship because family was always important to me, and always will be). 

Granted, I was not a biological member of the family, but there were times when I was treated like I wasn't family at all. When this person got married, one of her bridesmaids came to get me, along with my youngest daughter and her husband, because the "family" pictures were being taken, and she "knew" this person would want us to be in them. Never happened.....my place was taken by the mother of  this person's best friend, who is referred to as "Mom." That was years ago, but it still cuts every time I see the wedding pictures.

This person's true feelings toward their "family" in Ohio really became evident in December of last year, when my husband passed away. Their first reaction was to post a video to all their followers about how their parents were together again.  REALLY? They hadn't spoken in over 20 years, but they were suddenly together again?  And you honestly didn't think how that would make me--the woman who had been with him for the last 20 years, through good times and bad--feel in that moment? The same day I lost my husband, you want to talk about him being reunited with your mother? 

Then this person got upset because I didn't include their older biological half-brother in the obituary. Mind you, he was adopted by his mother's new husband at a young age, and my husband was never part of his life after that. My husband rarely ever spoke about him and had no contact with him in the years I knew him. He once told me in so many words that he didn't consider him a son, and I took that into account when writing the obituary.

Next, they messaged me about sending out "flower invites" for the funeral. What those were was never explained to me, and I had never heard of them before, so I just ignored the message. All I could think of was "inviting" people to send flowers to the service, and it made me think it was something they wanted to do for all their social media followers, to have THEM send flowers. (If anyone actually knows what a flower invite is, please comment below and enlighten me!!)

Last but not least, they wanted to have my husband's military flag presented to them. As the surviving spouse, that was MY privilege to receive. And if he hadn't been married, this person would still not have been the recipient. It would have gone to my stepson as the oldest surviving male relative---and in time, it will STILL go to him, as I will make sure of it.

So anyway, when I told this person that I was going to keep the flag, they went out and bought a flag, brought it to the service, and gave it to the military personnel to fold and present to them when they presented mine. Talk about wanting to make something about them!!

Then, when they got back home, they made another video post for all their followers, talking about how Dad's wife "who is not my biological mom," wanted the flag for herself, even though this person thought they deserved it more. They added that I had said I would someday give it to them (which I NEVER said and will NEVER do!), but that wasn't good enough for them, which was why they got their own flag. Some of the comments from their followers were about how wrong I was to keep the flag and how it should have gone to them...obviously, those people don't have a clue about military protocol. 

When I learned that this person's son was expecting a daughter later this year, and this person was asking for name suggestions, I mentioned that since their first grandchild had this person's mother's name as one of his middle names, the little girl could have some variation of my husband's first or middle name as a middle name, such as Barrie or Rikki. Found out today that the little girl's name is going to be Tru Alani, which basically means she is named after the person in question. How nice for them, but way to ignore my husband entirely. Just proves once again which parent always was and always will be more important to this person.

So, it's time to do what my husband tried to do for years but I wouldn't let happen. It's time to wash my hands, say I've done all I can, and let them be the one to reach out to me if they want to have any sort of relationship. I'm through being family when it's convenient and the wicked witch when it's not. Goodbye and good luck!!

What I Worry About

WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT THESE DAYS

I have several things that are weighing on my heart and mind these days, most of which are centered around my health issues and their aftermath.

1) I worry that I will wind up dying alone. I love my kids, and I'm glad they have lives of their own that keep them so busy. But when I spent three days in the hospital at Easter, and none of them came to visit me, and only one of them even talked to me, I felt like the stereotypical old lady who never has anyone visit her when she's in the hospital. 

2) I worry that my kids will drift apart after I'm gone. They are nowhere near as close as they used to be, and about the only time they see each other these days is for organized family events, usually done for my benefit. I know how easy it is for siblings to not spend as much time together when their parents are gone, and I don't want that to happen to my kids and grandkids.

That's really all I can put into words today, but there are nagging little things that bother me every single day.

Gratitude Post

Things I'm  grateful for this week:

The chance to see a total eclipse of the sun

Friends

Family

Pets

Quiet time alone

My online support groups

Memories

Grocery delivery services

Books

Warmer weather

Things To Let Go Of Right Now

THINGS TO LET GO OF RIGHT NOW:

Worrying about what happened in the past.

The need to be in control of everything.

Fear of the unknown.

Unhealthy relationships.

The idea of a "perfect life."

Worrying about things I can't change.

Worrying what other people think of me.

Excuses.

My comfort zone.

Grudges.

Lazy habits.

Overscheduling myself.

Comparing myself to others.

Insecurities.

Fear of failure.

Clutter--figurative and literal.

Procrastination.

Pride

Gossip

Guilt and anger over past events

Trying to make everyone happy

Jealousy

Unrealistic expectations.

Who Am I? I'm The Girl...

 

I'M THE GIRL WHO...

dreams of her past.

loves chocolate chip cookies.

has never been able to make a meringue.

spends too much time online.

worries too much.

needs to learn to say no more often.

has never been a fan of pink.

wishes she was more organized.

is a master of procrastination.

owns more books than she'll ever be able to read, yet keeps buying more.

believes in working for what you want, no matter how long it takes.

prefers summer over winter.

loves lists.

hates to talk to anyone on the telephone other than family and a few close friends.

is a major nerd.

puts her family above everything else.

looks at the world through rose-colored glasses.

Fifty Things About Me

1) I've been writing poetry and stories since I was 10 years old.

2) I had my first poem published when I was 16 years old.

3) I've been married three times.

4) I've been divorced twice.

5) All three of my husbands are deceased.

6) I have three children and two stepchildren.

7) I have nine grandchildren.

8) I have three great-grandchildren and one on the way.

9) I have two cats, Ghost and Snow.

10) My favorite color is Carolina blue.

11) My favorite food is lasagna.

12) My favorite drink is sweet tea.

13) My favorite book is Gone With The Wind.

14) My favorite movie is Somewhere In Time.

15)  I have a bachelor's degree in elementary education.

16) I lived in Germany for three years, and my middle child was born there.

17) I enjoy writing poetry and short stories.

18)  I am working on my autobiography.

19) I have published a book of my poetry.

20) I was a guest on the Geraldo show in 1993.

21) I am a loyal friend.

22) I am sentimental.

23) I am emotional and sensitive, sometimes to extremes.

24) I am a hopeful romantic.

25) I am a giver, materially and emotionally.

26) I am amazing at remembering trivia.

27) I have a warped sense of humor.

28) I am  persistent.

29) I am forgiving (sometimes too much).

30) I am a better baker than a cook.

31) I have strong opinions and don't hesitate to share them.

32)  I am stronger than most people think I am, including myself.

33) I am trusting (again, sometimes too much).

34) I look for the best in everyone and everything.

35)  I wear my heart on my sleeve.

36)  I am a planner and a list maker.

37) I try to read at least 100 books a year.

38) I struggle with self-doubt.

39) "My" song has always been "I Made It Through The Rain," by Barry Manilow.

40) I was 25 years old before I found the courage to get my ears pierced.

41) In my teens, twenties, and thirties, I struggled with trying to gain weight and was often called anorexic. Except when I was pregnant, I never weighed more than 95 pounds until I was 40.

42) I love penguins, especially baby ones.

43) I enjoy attending the Renaissance Festival.

44) I'm a crazy, cock-eyed optimist.

45) I used to have a major phobia about crossing bridges.

46) I had eye surgery at age four, and again at eighteen, to tighten muscles and correct crossed eyes.

47) I never had a bridal shower, honeymoon, or baby shower.

48) I never learned to swim or to ride a bike.

49) Compared to others my age, I made some "unconventional" parenting choices.

50) I have always been a people pleaser.

 

My Tombstone

The topic may seem morbid, but I heard a quote the other day that I don't want to forget about, so I want to describe what I want my/our tombstone to look like one day. The kids already know that I want to be cremated and that when they take whatever ashes they want, they are to mix the remainder of mine with the remainder of Barry's and then bury us together. 

The tombstone I want will be a simple rectangle. It will say KANDER at the top. On the left-hand side, it will have Barry's name along with his birth and death dates, and on the right-hand side, my name along with my birth and death dates. In the middle will be a big heart with the phrase "Life isn't forever---LOVE IS."

That's it....short,sweet, and simple,but it says everything.

Clarifying A Few Things

Because of some comments I've gotten regarding my recent diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer, I decided it was time to give a bit of an explanation. 

Metastatic breast cancer is not a disease that can be cured. It is something that will have to be treated for the rest of my life, and there may be periods where the treatment will make me feel worse than the disease ever has. I may have to go through several different treatments--if one stops working to halt/slow disease progression, it will need to be abandoned for something new. I have no way of knowing how many times I will have to go through that process, or how long each treatment will be effective. Every person's course of treatment is unique to them.

The major thing to know is that this disease, or some type of complication from it, will most likely be my eventual cause of death.  I don't know when, and I try not to think about it very often, but it is a painful fact of the life I live now. 

If anyone has any questions, please don't hesitate to ask me. I don't mind talking about the disease, or my current treatment, or whatever else.

Checking In

You may have noticed that I haven't posted any blog posts this week. I was in the hospital Sunday, Monday and Tuesday with sepsis and a UTI. Since I got home Tuesday afternoon, I have been resting and recovering. I still feel weak, and I am having some side effects from the antibiotics I had to take. Thankfully those pills are finished now, so hopefully the side effects will disappear soon.

I've also decided that posting on a specific daily theme isn't working for me, so I'm going to still do daily posts, but the topics will be more random. I will start posting again on Monday, when I should be more rested and ready to get back into a normal routine.

Enjoy your weekend!!

Fiction Friday: Acrostic Poems

 Leaving the old life behind

Inner peace at last

Breaking the chains

Escaping the abuse

Realizing your worth

After so many years

Taking steps out of the darkness

Into a brand new world

Opening new doors

Never looking back.

-------------------------

Loneliness sets in

Overwhelming everything

Sharing memories

Souls are touched

 

Thankful Thursday

What I am thankful for today:

1) Time spent with my grandchildren.

2) Happy memories.

3) Being able to lean on God in the hard times.

4) Beautiful flowers

5) Bird songs

6) The albino squirrel in our neighborhood

7) Doctors and medicine