Bad Mom Confessions

 

 I have so much going through my head right now that writing seems to be the only way to get rid of it. Based on conversations with my children over the last few months, I have failed as a mother, which was the one thing I honestly thought I had been doing right--maybe not in their childhoods when I had my own issues that were unresolved, but definitely in the last twenty years I felt we had talked through things and had come to a good place.

However, since I received my terminal diagnosis, it seems that childhood issues are being thrown back in my face every time I turn around. I wish I had a time machine so that I could go back and make everything sunshine and rainbows, but I can't. All we have is today, and I am doing my best to make today, and any other todays we might have together, as good as possible. 

I am not choosing one child over another in any way, shape or form. If you feel that way, then maybe that is something YOU need to look at in yourself.  I have never had a problem with telling any of you when I think you are wrong, when you need to apologize, or when I think you can make better choices. You all get treated the same, to the best of my ability. 

Yes, I had to pick someone to put on paper as a decision-maker, and I picked the person who, at that moment, I felt was the most responsible and the most capable of making rational decisions. Not saying that they aren't emotional, because they are, but they don't tend to let their emotions get out of control and override the rational. It does not mean that person is the favorite child, and they know that in the end, I expect all of you to make decisions TOGETHER.  

Right now my biggest upset is that I am seeing our family fall apart right in front of my eyes. I feel like my relationships with all three of you are nowhere near where they should be, and your relationships with each other are virtually nonexistent. What's going to happen when I'm gone? You three NEED to find a way to get along, to be there for each other. Stop picking fights, stop wanting everything to be the way you think it should be, and be more accepting of each other the way you ARE. 

The next few months are going to be VERY difficult for me, and all of this arguing and ridiculousness is just making it worse. I had hoped that the holidays would be a time when we could all come together, realizing that we don't know how many more we will get to share, and that you'd all be willing to support me and carry me through what is going to be a dark time this year. But it looks like that's not going to happen---I'm almost ready to say that I'd prefer to be here alone for Thanksgiving and Christmas rather than have to deal with all the tension it seems is going to in the room if things don't change.

I pray for all of you, and your families, every day. I ask God to touch your hearts and open your eyes, to show you the right path to follow, not only for your own sakes but for the sake of your children as well. We've all seen how this affects them, and NONE of this is their fault.

I love you all, and I apologize again for being such a bad mom.

Then and Now

Another writing prompt from another writing class. 

THEN AND NOW

Then I was a wife. Now I am a widow. Then I was the healthy one in the house. Now, I still feel healthy, but my diagnosis says otherwise. Then I had a full, active social life. Now, most of my socializing is done online. Then, I could spend all day being active. Now, anything more than a couple of hours and I'm ready for a nap. Then, I knew that I was loved and supported. Now, I often feel completely alone. Then, I had plans for far into the future. Now I plan for next month. Then, my life revolved around my family. Now, it revolves around my appointments. Then, I thought I knew who my friends were. Now I know who my REAL friends are. Then, I felt I knew my purpose in life. Now, I feel like I'm drifting without an anchor. Then I made things into priorities that now I realize don't matter. Then I was grounded in my faith. Now  God and I are still on speaking terms, but I'm not quite finished being angry with Him yet. Then, I thought I knew what the rest of my life would look like. Now, a new adventure awaits me every day.

Writing Again--MINDFULNESS

Aside from the three writing projects I have been working on (my book of short stories, my autobiography, and my cancer memoir), I have even more writing going on. This past Monday, I joined a monthly writing class for people with metastatic breast cancer. After only one class, I'm already excited to be part of this group. I want to share a few things I wrote.

Our theme for July was mindfulness. Our first prompt was I WANT......

I want to find a purpose for the rest of my life. I don't want to spend the time I have left just being "a sick person." I want to continue to feel useful and productive. I want to leave a legacy of love for my family.

Our facilitator read the poem, "Mindful," by Mary Oliver.

Mindful 

Every day 

I see or hear 

something 

that more or less 

kills me with delight, 

that leaves me 

like a needle 

in the haystack

of light,.

 It was what I was born for - 

to look, to listen, 

to lose myself 

inside this soft world - 

to instruct myself 

over and over 

in joy, 

and acclamation. 

Nor am I talking 

about the exceptional

the fearful, the dreadful, 

the very extravagant - 

but of the ordinary,

the common, the very drab, 

the daily presentations. 

Oh, good scholar, 

I say to myself, 

how can you help 

but grow wise 

with such teachings as these - 

the untrimmable light 

of the world, 

the ocean's shine, 

the prayers that are made 

out of grass?

-Mary Oliver

Our second prompt was "Something I have learned recently"

Recently I've learned that every minute of the day doesn't have to be scheduled. Some days the best thing I can do for myself is jut to relax--read a book, take a walk, take a nap, or just sit with my thoughts. I have discovered that constantly scheduling things is a defense mechanism for me. If I am busy, I don't have to deal with my thoughts or emotions. I need to give myself time to grieve over the parts of my life that are changing, and to find a way to still be ME through all of it.

We then listened to another poem: "The Guest House," by Rumi.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi

Our final prompt for the night was to write a letter to whatever emotion has been visiting us recently.

Dear Anger,

Thank you for making me feel again. However, you are not a healthy emotion for me at this time, in this situation. Although you have shown me things that need to be addressed, I can't allow you to stick around long-term. It's time to say goodbye.

                                                                        Me

CURRENTLY

CURRENTLY

Reading:  I'd Rather Be Dead Than Deaf by E. Adrienne Wilson

Doing: Blogging 

Watching: Supernatural

Thinking About:  What to eat for a snack, things that are making me sad.

Random Thoughts Today

It's been almost six months without him, but sometimes it still hurts like it was yesterday. They say time heals all wounds, but time seems to stand still for me since I lost him. The ache of missing him lingers, a constant companion in this journey of grief.

I am often surrounded by people, in the bustling chaos of everyday life. Family and friends do their best to comfort me, to fill the emptiness of a life without him. Yet, there comes a time when everyone goes their own way, and I am faced with the solitude and isolation of the house that used to be a home. And sometimes, even when I'm surrounded by people, I remember what it was like when he was there, too, and it feels like a huge part of me is missing.

People try to understand, but how can they grasp the depth of my loss when their lives continue as normal? Their words of sympathy, while kind, often fall short. They don't understand the depth of my loss, and I would never wish it on any of them.

,

Reminders of him are everywhere, every day. Places we went together,our daily routine, songs we loved, television shows and movies that were mutual favorites--they all remind me of the life that used to be. I've tried creating new routines, going to new places, watching new things--but then I wish he were here for me to tell him about those things.

I miss his presence, his voice, his touch. I miss the way he could understand me better than anyone--sometimes even more than I understood myself, the way he made me feel whole, the way he encouraged me and built me up. The loneliness is profound, a constant undercurrent to every moment of my day.

People tell me to move on, to find new reasons to smile. They don’t understand that moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. How can I forget someone who was such an integral part of my existence? My love for him doesn’t diminish with his absence; it grows stronger, intertwined with my grief.

So, here I am, alone in a crowd, missing him with every fiber of my being. I hold on to the memories, even though they bring tears. I hold on to the hope that, in some way, he is still with me, watching over me. And I remind myself that it's okay to feel this way, to miss him fiercely, to be alone in my grief.

Grieving is not a journey with a clear end. It's a path I must walk, one day at a time. And though I may be alone in a crowd, I carry him with me, in my heart, forever.

Currently: A New Weekly Post

CURRENTLY

Reading: Argylle by Elly Conway

Doing: Blogging,taking meds

Watching: One Love (Bob Marley movie)

Thinking About: Going to bed early

Top Ten List: Favorite Candies

Top Ten  Favorite Candies

1) M&Ms

2) Sno-Caps

3) Cowtales

4) Zero bar

5) Candy corn

6) Milky Way

7) Three Musketeers

8) PEEPS

9) Andes Mints

10) Hershey Kisses