Thursday, January 9, 2025

Midnight Ramblings

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It's just after midnight, and sleep is not coming, so I'm going to pour some thoughts out of my head and see if that helps me to settle down. I have been feeling miserable all week, and I don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know how many more hits I'm supposed to take and just keep coming back for more.

Monday afternoon I found out that, probably in March, the rent on this house is going to go up "substantially," which will make it unaffordable for me. After looking around, I'm discovering that there aren't many places available in my price range, and even fewer in my target area, making it possible for me to walk to as many places as possible so that I don't have to ALWAYS rely on other people to get places and do things. Right now I have two possibilities, and even though I haven't seen either of them yet, I know that neither one is going to be exactly what I want, and I will have to decide what things I'm willing to give up and then choose accordingly. At the heart of it all, I think what hurts the most is leaving the last place I shared with Barry, the place with so many memories attached to it. It feels like I just keep losing every connection to him, and every time it happens, it reminds me of how alone I really am now. When it comes right down to it, there's just me, and I can't do it all. I'm getting weaker and more tired all the time, even though I LOOK fine, and nobody is around to notice there are days I don't make it off the couch. 

I'm dealing with a lot of other side effects these days as well. The cough I've had for four months now is most likely going to be around for as long as I am on this particular line of treatment, according to my oncologist, and the only thing that MIGHT work for it is something I can't take--cough medicine with codeine. On top of that, I'm dealing with blurry vision at random times. Right now we're presuming that is a side effect as well, but there's also the chance it could mean the cancer is spreading to my brain---so of course that's what I fixate on at times like this. And then today my blood work came back with a low white blood cell count again, so I have to have that redone on Monday, and I might have to put off my next round of oral chemo if it's not better. 

I'm just feeling really defeated this week. If this stupid disease is going to kill me, I sometimes wish it would just go ahead and get it over with now, instead of doing it bit by bit, year after year. I don't want to leave my family so soon, but I don't know how many more hits I can take. I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm angry, and it feels like the only people in my life who really understand how I feel are those in my online support groups. I just wish I felt more supported by the people who are actually HERE, but no one seems to want to deal with the fact that, even though my scans are currently saying there is no evidence of active disease, it's only a matter of time before that changes, and I am NEVER going to be cured. I live in three-month blocks of time, from scan to scan, because that's all I CAN do...the next scan could be the one that changes things all over again....and one day we're going to get to a point where there are no more lines of treatment available. I will NOT do IV chemo again, so when that becomes the only option, we're done. I have to think about quality of life vs. quantity of life, and I know that IV chemo kicked my butt in 2013, and I've got an even more depleted immune system now than I had then, so I'm not doing that to myself or my family. 

I've been planning my funeral, writing my obituary, and thinking of having a "living wake" so that everyone can get together while I'm still alive and I can actually hear all the wonderful things that they would say about me after I'm gone.I'm also trying to create journals for the kids and grandkids, but that's turning out to be harder than I expected.  I want to keep them positive, so I can't write to any of them when I'm feeling like this, and I have a lot more days like this than any of them realize. They don't want to hear it, so I keep it bottled up, and then it all just comes pouring out at once, like right now.

All of this word vomit doesn't seem to be accomplishing anything other than making me cry my eyes out, so I guess it's time to quit and watch some bad tv to see if THAT will put me to sleep.  


Tuesday, October 29, 2024

Bad Mom Confessions

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 I have so much going through my head right now that writing seems to be the only way to get rid of it. Based on conversations with my children over the last few months, I have failed as a mother, which was the one thing I honestly thought I had been doing right--maybe not in their childhoods when I had my own issues that were unresolved, but definitely in the last twenty years I felt we had talked through things and had come to a good place.

However, since I received my terminal diagnosis, it seems that childhood issues are being thrown back in my face every time I turn around. I wish I had a time machine so that I could go back and make everything sunshine and rainbows, but I can't. All we have is today, and I am doing my best to make today, and any other todays we might have together, as good as possible. 

I am not choosing one child over another in any way, shape or form. If you feel that way, then maybe that is something YOU need to look at in yourself.  I have never had a problem with telling any of you when I think you are wrong, when you need to apologize, or when I think you can make better choices. You all get treated the same, to the best of my ability. 

Yes, I had to pick someone to put on paper as a decision-maker, and I picked the person who, at that moment, I felt was the most responsible and the most capable of making rational decisions. Not saying that they aren't emotional, because they are, but they don't tend to let their emotions get out of control and override the rational. It does not mean that person is the favorite child, and they know that in the end, I expect all of you to make decisions TOGETHER.  

Right now my biggest upset is that I am seeing our family fall apart right in front of my eyes. I feel like my relationships with all three of you are nowhere near where they should be, and your relationships with each other are virtually nonexistent. What's going to happen when I'm gone? You three NEED to find a way to get along, to be there for each other. Stop picking fights, stop wanting everything to be the way you think it should be, and be more accepting of each other the way you ARE. 

The next few months are going to be VERY difficult for me, and all of this arguing and ridiculousness is just making it worse. I had hoped that the holidays would be a time when we could all come together, realizing that we don't know how many more we will get to share, and that you'd all be willing to support me and carry me through what is going to be a dark time this year. But it looks like that's not going to happen---I'm almost ready to say that I'd prefer to be here alone for Thanksgiving and Christmas rather than have to deal with all the tension it seems is going to in the room if things don't change.

I pray for all of you, and your families, every day. I ask God to touch your hearts and open your eyes, to show you the right path to follow, not only for your own sakes but for the sake of your children as well. We've all seen how this affects them, and NONE of this is their fault.

I love you all, and I apologize again for being such a bad mom.



Sunday, July 28, 2024

Then and Now

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Another writing prompt from another writing class. 

THEN AND NOW
Then I was a wife. Now I am a widow. Then I was the healthy one in the house. Now, I still feel healthy, but my diagnosis says otherwise. Then I had a full, active social life. Now, most of my socializing is done online. Then, I could spend all day being active. Now, anything more than a couple of hours and I'm ready for a nap. Then, I knew that I was loved and supported. Now, I often feel completely alone. Then, I had plans for far into the future. Now I plan for next month. Then, my life revolved around my family. Now, it revolves around my appointments. Then, I thought I knew who my friends were. Now I know who my REAL friends are. Then, I felt I knew my purpose in life. Now, I feel like I'm drifting without an anchor. Then I made things into priorities that now I realize don't matter. Then I was grounded in my faith. Now  God and I are still on speaking terms, but I'm not quite finished being angry with Him yet. Then, I thought I knew what the rest of my life would look like. Now, a new adventure awaits me every day.

Thursday, July 25, 2024

Writing Again--MINDFULNESS

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Aside from the three writing projects I have been working on (my book of short stories, my autobiography, and my cancer memoir), I have even more writing going on. This past Monday, I joined a monthly writing class for people with metastatic breast cancer. After only one class, I'm already excited to be part of this group. I want to share a few things I wrote.

Our theme for July was mindfulness. Our first prompt was I WANT......

I want to find a purpose for the rest of my life. I don't want to spend the time I have left just being "a sick person." I want to continue to feel useful and productive. I want to leave a legacy of love for my family.

Our facilitator read the poem, "Mindful," by Mary Oliver.
Mindful 
Every day 
I see or hear 
something 
that more or less 
kills me with delight, 
that leaves me 
like a needle 
in the haystack
of light,.
 It was what I was born for - 
to look, to listen, 
to lose myself 
inside this soft world - 
to instruct myself 
over and over 
in joy, 
and acclamation. 
Nor am I talking 
about the exceptional
the fearful, the dreadful, 
the very extravagant - 
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab, 
the daily presentations. 
Oh, good scholar, 
I say to myself, 
how can you help 
but grow wise 
with such teachings as these - 
the untrimmable light 
of the world, 
the ocean's shine, 
the prayers that are made 
out of grass?
-Mary Oliver
Our second prompt was "Something I have learned recently"

Recently I've learned that every minute of the day doesn't have to be scheduled. Some days the best thing I can do for myself is jut to relax--read a book, take a walk, take a nap, or just sit with my thoughts. I have discovered that constantly scheduling things is a defense mechanism for me. If I am busy, I don't have to deal with my thoughts or emotions. I need to give myself time to grieve over the parts of my life that are changing, and to find a way to still be ME through all of it.

We then listened to another poem: "The Guest House," by Rumi.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-Rumi

Our final prompt for the night was to write a letter to whatever emotion has been visiting us recently.

Dear Anger,
Thank you for making me feel again. However, you are not a healthy emotion for me at this time, in this situation. Although you have shown me things that need to be addressed, I can't allow you to stick around long-term. It's time to say goodbye.
                                                                        Me



Sunday, July 14, 2024

CURRENTLY

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CURRENTLY

Reading:  I'd Rather Be Dead Than Deaf by E. Adrienne Wilson
Doing: Blogging 
Watching: Supernatural
Thinking About:  What to eat for a snack, things that are making me sad.

Wednesday, June 5, 2024

Random Thoughts Today

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It's been almost six months without him, but sometimes it still hurts like it was yesterday. They say time heals all wounds, but time seems to stand still for me since I lost him. The ache of missing him lingers, a constant companion in this journey of grief.

I am often surrounded by people, in the bustling chaos of everyday life. Family and friends do their best to comfort me, to fill the emptiness of a life without him. Yet, there comes a time when everyone goes their own way, and I am faced with the solitude and isolation of the house that used to be a home. And sometimes, even when I'm surrounded by people, I remember what it was like when he was there, too, and it feels like a huge part of me is missing.

People try to understand, but how can they grasp the depth of my loss when their lives continue as normal? Their words of sympathy, while kind, often fall short. They don't understand the depth of my loss, and I would never wish it on any of them.
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Reminders of him are everywhere, every day. Places we went together,our daily routine, songs we loved, television shows and movies that were mutual favorites--they all remind me of the life that used to be. I've tried creating new routines, going to new places, watching new things--but then I wish he were here for me to tell him about those things.
I miss his presence, his voice, his touch. I miss the way he could understand me better than anyone--sometimes even more than I understood myself, the way he made me feel whole, the way he encouraged me and built me up. The loneliness is profound, a constant undercurrent to every moment of my day.
People tell me to move on, to find new reasons to smile. They don’t understand that moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. How can I forget someone who was such an integral part of my existence? My love for him doesn’t diminish with his absence; it grows stronger, intertwined with my grief.
So, here I am, alone in a crowd, missing him with every fiber of my being. I hold on to the memories, even though they bring tears. I hold on to the hope that, in some way, he is still with me, watching over me. And I remind myself that it's okay to feel this way, to miss him fiercely, to be alone in my grief.
Grieving is not a journey with a clear end. It's a path I must walk, one day at a time. And though I may be alone in a crowd, I carry him with me, in my heart, forever.

Wednesday, April 17, 2024

Currently: A New Weekly Post

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CURRENTLY

Reading: Argylle by Elly Conway
Doing: Blogging,taking meds
Watching: One Love (Bob Marley movie)
Thinking About: Going to bed early

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