Sunday, January 5, 2014

I've Been Here All Night

Thankfully, this was not one of those nights where I've been here all night, but I've had more than my share of them the last few months. You know the nights I mean--you try to go to sleep, but your brain won't shut down, and it just keeps thinking about things you'd rather NOT think about.

For me, lately, it's been a lot of dark thoughts....having cancer can do that to you, I suppose. I spent a lot of nights thinking about how I'd want to spend my last days, imagining conversations I'd have with family and friends to say goodbye, how I'd want to be remembered, what sort of final arrangements need to be made, etc. Once you start down that road, you might as well forget about getting any sleep that night, let me tell you.

And it doesn't help that both of my former husbands have passed away in the last two years. I'm the only parent my three children have left, and the thought of leaving them is heartbreaking. I'm getting  teary-eyed right now at the thought of it! Sure, they're all adults now, but that doesn't make it any easier to think of them being orphans.  I'm 52 yrs old, and the idea of losing MY mother scares me...it's not something any of us want to think about, and when it becomes a very real possibility it's even harder to face.

Fortunately, since I finished my radiation, I've had a much more positive attitude, and no sleepless nights. Here's hoping I can keep that up for the rest of 2014, and can be around to torment my children for DECADES to come!   :)

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