Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Friends...


This post is written from a prompt, provided here:

Mama’s

1.) Recycle a favorite post from July of any year that you have been blogging.

This post is from July 25, 2011: 



At times like this, when I feel sad, depressed, and basically just don't have a CLUE what to do with my life, I always wish I had a friend, especially a "best friend." You know the one I mean...the one you can tell anything....the one who always tells you the truth, even if it hurts or makes you mad...the one who doesn't mind seeing you at your worst, physically or emotionally.

I've always been a shy, quiet person, and it's always been hard to let someone else into my life very far. There's always been SOMETHING going on that I couldn't risk letting other people find out, you know? Whether it was the fact that my parents were arguing and yelling all the time, or that I was so miserable I didn't want to live any more, or that I was overwhelmed with trying to raise two small children practically on my own on the other side of the world from my family, or that my husband was hitting me, or that we'd had our electricity turned off for the last three months, or that I was having an affair, or that I was sick to death of being who everyone else thought I should be, or that I didn't have the slightest clue who I really was anymore....there was always something there that, if I let anyone get close enough, I was sure they'd find out and run as far away as they could, as fast as they could.

So, here I am, once again feeling that totally overwhelmed, just don't give a damn about anything anymore feeling....with no one to talk to about it. Saturday was a real crisis day--no one has any idea just HOW close I was to giving up on life that day. I had the whole plan worked out in my head, and even had a page of instruction written out for my funeral. I'm still not sure what stopped me, but I'm still here, obviously.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, except to make it clear that I'm NOT always as together and as strong as everyone keeps saying they KNOW I am....deep down, on the inside, where the real Teresa hides, if you could ever get close enough to see her, is still that shy, scared little girl who used to cry herself to sleep because "nobody likes me."

3 comments:

  1. And you're here a year later to repost this! Survival is tough sometimes and loneliness can be so overwhelming.

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  2. So honest and compelling. Keep on keeping on is what I try to tell myself.

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  3. I hope one year later finds you with at least one sorta best friend. I used to feel like that all of the time. I had no close friends. I know how lonely and bitter that can be. Now, God has cracked my shell a bit, and I am more open to relationships. I am still a bit cracked!

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