Thursday, May 3, 2012

Sleepless Nights

I've been having a lot of sleepless nights this year, and this is shaping up to be yet another one. Some nights I don't really know why I wind up not sleeping, but tonight I've got a really good idea.  Earlier in the evening, I spoke with someone who hadn't been aware that George had died--and talking about it again brought it all rushing back.

I've tried to stuff all the emotion down, and haven't really ever dealt with it. Part of me feels like I don't have any right to feel sad, and that my responsibility is to stay upbeat and positive, and make sure that Amy's getting all the support and love she needs. So when I start to feel sad, and think I might cry, I lecture myself and shove it down a little further. I know, I know....that's not good for me--physically, emotionally, or mentally...and it's probably part of the reason I've had almost constant health problems for the last two months.

But, like I said, there's that part of me that says I don't have the right to mourn, at least not where people can see me.  After all, I'm the EX -wife....the one who cheated on him, the one who left him. But I'm also the one who loved him, the one who's the mother of his child, the one who spent almost thirteen years of her life with him. And yet, I'm also the one who put up with the constant drinking, the times he hit me, the months of no electricity because beer and cigarettes were the first priority. So there's guilt, love, anger, and a million other emotions that run through me at any given time.

The biggest emotion, though, is probably regret. Even though I was at the hospital several different times the week before he died, I never found the courage to really talk to him, to tell him that I forgave him for all the bad stuff. For the most part, I put all that behind me a long time ago, and focused on remembering the good times, the memories that can still make me smile. And that man is the one I miss, the man I wish was still here for Amy, to walk her down the aisle, to spoil our grandchildren, to sing to them.....

And now, finally, the tears are falling, fast and hard....I miss you, George, and you will always be in my heart!!!

1 comment:

  1. I'm sending you hugs and more hugs. You have every right to feel as you do and to mourn and grieve as you do. Forgiveness comes from within you - it is not a debt that you owe anyone. If you have truly forgiven then you can now start to heal. Take care.


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