Monday, July 25, 2011


At times like this, when I feel sad, depressed, and basically just don't have a CLUE what to do with my life, I always wish I had a friend, especially a "best friend." You know the one I mean...the one you can tell anything....the one who always tells you the truth, even if it hurts or makes you mad...the one who doesn't mind seeing you at your worst, physically or emotionally.

I've always been a shy, quiet person, and it's always been hard to let someone else into my life very far. There's always been SOMETHING going on that I couldn't risk letting other people find out, you know? Whether it was the fact that my parents were arguing and yelling all the time, or that I was so miserable I didn't want to live any more, or that I was overwhelmed with trying to raise two small children practically on my own on the other side of the world from my family, or that my husband was hitting me, or that we'd had our electricity turned off for the last three months, or that I was having an affair, or that I was sick to death of being who everyone else thought I should be, or that I didn't have the slightest clue who I really was anymore....there was always something there that, if I let anyone get close enough, I was sure they'd find out and run as far away as they could, as fast as they could.

So, here I am, once again feeling that totally overwhelmed, just don't give a damn about anything anymore feeling....with no one to talk to about it. Saturday was a real crisis day--no one has any idea just HOW close I was to giving up on life that day. I had the whole plan worked out in my head, and even had a page of instruction written out for my funeral. I'm still not sure what stopped me, but I'm still here, obviously.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, except to make it clear that I'm NOT always as together and as strong as everyone keeps saying they KNOW I am....deep down, on the inside, where the real Teresa hides, if you could ever get close enough to see her, is still that shy, scared little girl who used to cry herself to sleep because "nobody likes me."

1 comment:

  1. ((HUGS))

    I am so sorry Teresa. I hate to hear that life has pulled you into that hole. you are strong tho and you prove it time and time again.


    and that takes strength! even more so that you do it without the help of someone else. I know what it's like to be in that hole - where it's all planned out, down to the who, what and how. I know what it's like to feel alone in it too.

    I *know a few people ... there are people that surround my family, are in and out of our every day lives, but none that got me ... none that I had that deep down comfort level with. and then I decided to open up to one person.

    we are polar opposites in every way I can think of, but one day she caught me at a really low point and I let it all spill. everything. the dirty little secrets that I don't want anyone else to know.

    and she helped me. she didn't judge, she let me cry, she let me scream and then she made me laugh. I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't want to be close to anyone, but she was there and it took me being willing to let it all flow.

    I hope you can find it and I wish for things to be easier for you, but don't ever think you're not strong.


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